makes us stronger--so they say.
To tell you the truth, this MS has worn me down. I no longer have anything to live for. As of the last couple of weeks, I have become intermittently bladder incontinent. That means that 3 to 4 hours a day I urinate myself uncontrollably--only a little--every 5 minutes. I had a urinalysis done by Home Health which showed I did not have a UTI. So is this a result of an exacerbation? Probably. When is enough enough? If I have to wear a catheter for the rest of my life along with having the leg problems, I don't see the point of going on with life. What life? I have no quality of life. I do have an appointment with a university hospital for CCSVI scans. Wooptie doo.I am not excited about that at all. I can't stand this particular university hospital. I've been there before. They have already dropped the ball.
Yeah life sucks and I hate everything about it.
My husband has been nicer to me, that's the only good thing about all this. It took me getting MS for him to be a decent human being.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
The Caregiver Who Really Doesn't Care.
So Andrew and I have been married for 6 1/2 years. It has been a long and hard trip for me emotionally. Today was yet another example of the hardship. I had to plug my fingers in my ears and say Lalala just to get him to stop talking and go away.
It all started when the glass guy called to tell me that he lost our paperwork and Andrew had to bring the glass pane into the shop. Andrew, of course, makes it into something it does not have to be and in the process makes me feel terrible. He continues to make me feel terrible almost on a daily basis and he wonders why I say "I hate" him. In fact he tells me not to hate him. So, I guess I am just supposed to take all the negative shit he dishes out and suck it up and treat him like a prince--like accepting that he's negative and that's wonderful. That's not the way it works fucker.
There are many reasons why I say I hate him. The main one is by how he makes me feel. He knows he makes me feel worse thus making the MS worse. I asked him this morning if he feels that people like him because he's a nice guy that people gravitate towards. He said no. I think he is narcissistic in that he thinks because HE feels love toward me that I should automatically feel all kinds of love and appreciation for everything that he DOES. It's really a fucked up relationship.
All I get out of him is the basics and nothing more. Someone else could do the basics too. I need MORE.
in case your reading this, Andrew, here is what I need, which I think you already know, but just don't want to do.
A husband who never argues or ever drags out something so long that I can't take it and makes me feel terrible.
I need a nice guy for a husband and not an immature brat, which you are.
A husband who is actually a nice person. He's not a nice person. He'd rather make sure everyone knows how miserable he is--including me. That's fucked up!
Communication with the foundation of the barn guy.
Don needs to be called and asked if he got a chance to see Don's planes for the 2-stall addition and what are we going to get a bid on and will his barn match what we already own?
How much the 4-stall barn quote is with the gravel included
When can he start because of the muddy ground?
I have to still tell Andrew to do this kind of stuff.
Yesterday, I had to tell him to go outside and pay attention to the tree guys. He would rather hide like a kid.
I'm so tired of this. How much more am I supposed to endure of a caregiver who only does the basics and no more.
Arguing with me only makes me worse. How am I supposed to not hate on a person who makes me worse.
Like I said, when I die, the last words out of my mouth will be "congratulations. You've finally killed someone.
It all started when the glass guy called to tell me that he lost our paperwork and Andrew had to bring the glass pane into the shop. Andrew, of course, makes it into something it does not have to be and in the process makes me feel terrible. He continues to make me feel terrible almost on a daily basis and he wonders why I say "I hate" him. In fact he tells me not to hate him. So, I guess I am just supposed to take all the negative shit he dishes out and suck it up and treat him like a prince--like accepting that he's negative and that's wonderful. That's not the way it works fucker.
There are many reasons why I say I hate him. The main one is by how he makes me feel. He knows he makes me feel worse thus making the MS worse. I asked him this morning if he feels that people like him because he's a nice guy that people gravitate towards. He said no. I think he is narcissistic in that he thinks because HE feels love toward me that I should automatically feel all kinds of love and appreciation for everything that he DOES. It's really a fucked up relationship.
All I get out of him is the basics and nothing more. Someone else could do the basics too. I need MORE.
in case your reading this, Andrew, here is what I need, which I think you already know, but just don't want to do.
A husband who never argues or ever drags out something so long that I can't take it and makes me feel terrible.
I need a nice guy for a husband and not an immature brat, which you are.
A husband who is actually a nice person. He's not a nice person. He'd rather make sure everyone knows how miserable he is--including me. That's fucked up!
Communication with the foundation of the barn guy.
Don needs to be called and asked if he got a chance to see Don's planes for the 2-stall addition and what are we going to get a bid on and will his barn match what we already own?
How much the 4-stall barn quote is with the gravel included
When can he start because of the muddy ground?
I have to still tell Andrew to do this kind of stuff.
Yesterday, I had to tell him to go outside and pay attention to the tree guys. He would rather hide like a kid.
I'm so tired of this. How much more am I supposed to endure of a caregiver who only does the basics and no more.
Arguing with me only makes me worse. How am I supposed to not hate on a person who makes me worse.
Like I said, when I die, the last words out of my mouth will be "congratulations. You've finally killed someone.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Purple Legs and Feet
This is a result of me taking a shower and my feet having to be on the floor for approximately five minutes.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Stanford on Hold.
So I got a call from Stanford yesterday. I was told that the CCSVI surgery has been put on hold. Some politician got a hold of the situation. So I'm put off until late January or February. I really don't care because the doctor even said on the phone that it probably won't make me any better, but will hopefully keep me from getting worse. With that kind of a statement, I don't hold a lot of faith in the whole thing.
So, I'm letting Andrew go through all the feelings of hope or whatever there is. He's not helping me anyway. He is hoping that the surgery will be an easy fix for him. He thinks he helps me by doing the minimum as in throwing food at me occasionally and rinsing my ass after a shower. There is so much more, but he'd be better off if I was dead anyway 'cause he's really not interested in really helping..
Today I stood up next to my bed once. I tried again later and couldn't do it.
So, I'm letting Andrew go through all the feelings of hope or whatever there is. He's not helping me anyway. He is hoping that the surgery will be an easy fix for him. He thinks he helps me by doing the minimum as in throwing food at me occasionally and rinsing my ass after a shower. There is so much more, but he'd be better off if I was dead anyway 'cause he's really not interested in really helping..
Today I stood up next to my bed once. I tried again later and couldn't do it.
What's Wrong with the American Language?
I've noticed a severe decline in American language usage as in it's becoming incorrect more and more. It's all over T.V., radio, books, magazines, and basically all media. Who hires these dummies? Dummies themselves is the only answer I can find. I'm not even old enough to be thoroughly disgusted by people of my generation, but it seems everyone that wants to say something or write something is doing it. Here's a clue. Just because everyone is doing it doesn't mean it is correct by any means.
Here are some examples.
December 5, 2009 is just that. It is not correct to say or write December 5th. It is correct to say or write December 5. PERIOD. The only time st, nd, rd, or th is added at the end of a date is if it is said or written BEFORE the month as in the 5th of December. Look it up! It's incredibly ignorant, stupid, and uneducated to say or write December 5th, 2009. LOOK IT UP! Even a simple word processing program knows better. Try it. Start typing and it will insert the correct type.
Another one is "till".
This is completely uneducated to spell this word in the wrong context. I've seen local T.V. stations write "this offer is valid till the expiration date". It is 'til or until. DUH! You would only spell "till" if you are going to till a field.
What's wrong with people? Are they getting that dumbed down to where they do what everyone else does? I have one word for them. Dummy! Grow a brain stem!
Here are some examples.
December 5, 2009 is just that. It is not correct to say or write December 5th. It is correct to say or write December 5. PERIOD. The only time st, nd, rd, or th is added at the end of a date is if it is said or written BEFORE the month as in the 5th of December. Look it up! It's incredibly ignorant, stupid, and uneducated to say or write December 5th, 2009. LOOK IT UP! Even a simple word processing program knows better. Try it. Start typing and it will insert the correct type.
Another one is "till".
This is completely uneducated to spell this word in the wrong context. I've seen local T.V. stations write "this offer is valid till the expiration date". It is 'til or until. DUH! You would only spell "till" if you are going to till a field.
What's wrong with people? Are they getting that dumbed down to where they do what everyone else does? I have one word for them. Dummy! Grow a brain stem!
Friday, November 27, 2009
I've Made the Decision--No More PT
I decided today to cancel PT. What I do need is massage therapy and Occupational therapy.
Putting my feet on the floor just isn't happening. My PT wants me to put on compression hose. Those hose trap the blood at the ankles. When that happens I get weak.
Here's how it goes.
Pain-weakness-no standing up.
Putting my feet on the floor just isn't happening. My PT wants me to put on compression hose. Those hose trap the blood at the ankles. When that happens I get weak.
Here's how it goes.
Pain-weakness-no standing up.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Why so Many MS Marriages Fail.
I don't understand it. I will absolutely not accept or tolerate this kind of behavior from a 44-year-old man. I didn't have kids for a reason--I didn't feel like dealing with the back talk and crappy attitudes that teenagers can get. I know. I was once a teenager.
This is what I just don't get. After having quite a thorough talk with Andrew weeks ago about not pitching fits in front of me, he does it still. I've asked him if he pitches fits at work and lets everyone know how unhappy and miserable he is. He said no. He pitches fits at me constantly. My summation--he has respect for people at his work and none for me. Forget any love. A person that treats me like that has ZERO love for me. Sure he does not hit me, verbally abuse me, or throw anything at me, but he might as well. It's emotional abuse that he's dishing out.
I ask what the pay off is. My summation--the payoff is anger makes him feel good (good as in makes him feel like he's in control) and subconsciously he is demanding to be left alone. That's the payoff. He wants to be in his own little world and fuck everyone else including me. Why else would he do this? I hope he feels ashamed for what he does to a very disabled person.
So this is one reason why MS marriages die. A MSer feels they need/deserve to be treated nicely/respectfully. Just because the MSer has MS and their physical body is failing, doesn't mean that they should be treated any less than a perfectly normal person. An MSer is already having a hard enough time and being treated badly will make the MS worse.
All this over a turkey. I know, from experience in preparing store-bought turkeys, that there is always a neck and giblet bag inside the turkey. That's common knowledge for any turkey preparer or anyone who actually READS THE BAG or listened to their wife on any holiday where a turkey was prepared. The turkey is also supposed to be rinsed thoroughly inside and out. Andrew has prepared quite a few turkeys in the past. Last year he couldn't find the neck inside and I had to tell him that it was there. One always removes the neck and giblets. The giblet sack has a liver in it. I don't want my turkey having a liver flavor from a liver being cooked in it. He might. I don't know.
This Thanksgiving he blows up at me because he mentions that he couldn't find a giblet bag because the turkey was still somewhat frozen. Instead of thawing the turkey out and investigating more he gets mad at me because I told him the bag was in there without even seeing the turkey. He gets madder because he already put the turkey in the oven. How is that my fault? So, by this time he's extremely mad because he has to unpack the turkey and get the giblet bag out. Again. How is that my fault? I assume I am being blamed because I put the giblets in there at the packaging plant and rode in the freezer and stayed in the freezer just to make sure Mr. Andrew wouldn't find it and he'd get angry at his wife. One word. Immature.
So after all this he sits down and starts talking to me about how he feels so angry all the time and he's been like that forever. That's his problem and not mine. How is that my problem or fault to where I deserve to receive his wrath? I gave him the tools (many times previously) for anger management. I am the one that should be angry and I'm not, but I am getting numb to where I'm not feeling much. Is that what he wants--for me to not feel anything at all?
Anger Management
Since he is obviously not able to manage his anger the next step is this. In a nutshell, it's not about managing anything. It's all about positive thinking in the first place. Instead of fighting the losing battle of fighting anger and negative feelings, which forces a person to dwell on their negativity--just think differently. Just think positive about every aspect of your life; from the simple, minor aspects like wiping your butt to the bigger ones as in driving the car. Example: Say "yay I pooped" instead of "son of a bitch. Now I have to wipe my ass and I hope I don't get it on my fingers". The bigger one. "I have the legs to get in my nice, new car, which I love, drive to work and contribute to society". Instead of--"those bastards that drive out on the road make my life a living hell. They better not get in my way or I'll flip them the bird and exhibit road rage so they see just how pissed off I am at them. That'll teach 'em".
You don't have to be an angry, hateful person. It is a daily decision or you will drive people away to where they won't want or have anything to do with you. You will end up a lonely man living alone where no one gives a shit about you. You think I'm driving you away? You have finished me off and have succeeded in driving the last nail into the coffin. Like I said; if I was not ill, I would drive away--far away and not look back.
I've told him all of the examples above.
I've also told him to ask me no matter what it is--anything. If I don't know the answer, I'll say that. I always believed two brains working on something is better than one. He's going to have to get over his enormous ego or, with MS and everything, I'm out of here. It is well known that men in general will not ask questions. That is the stupidest thing. They have such big egos that get in the way of their lives. They refuse to act on making the decision to let their brain override the ego.
This reminds me of a time where a man friend asked me once if a stock trailer would be good trailer to buy. I looked underneath it and saw the tremendous unsafe rust. This man was man enough to see that it would cost a lot of money to replace the floor and to this day admires me for knowing something. I felt like I was being respected by this man and to this day still feel like he greatly respects me.
Oh and one more thing about the turkey. Last year he couldn't find the neck.
He gets so pissed if I am right about anything. Apparently, he didn't understand the wedding vows he took. "Honor and cherish in sickness and in health". Is the anger he is acting upon honoring me in any way? No. It's honoring himself at my expense while hurting me more and more both physically and mentally. I wonder what happened to the 50/50 partnership too. I also think that he is trying to pave the way for two things. 1. My death. If he succeeds in making me hate him, then it won't hurt him so bad when I die. 2. If I do leave, that won't hurt so bad either as long as there is some really good hate going on. It's all about him isn't it. I guess I really don't matter.
So this is the 2009 Thanksgiving holiday that I get to look forward to. I still have to take a shower. He's already made me cry all before 11 a.m.
How do I make him see that this marriage is not all about him and his anger? Sure. I understand that it is hard work to be a caregiver of an MS patient but is that an excuse to display anger towards the MS patient? No. It seems this happens every weekend. How much more am I expected to take? He says he wants me to talk to him before these things come up. How am I supposed to know when his anger is going to surface? I refuse to do that. It is hard enough to be me. He says "if I begin to display anger, call me on it so I don't keep going". You call yourself on it. You aren't stupid. You know exactly what you are doing. You're hoping to get away with it. You wonder why I don't even want to be around you. Hello! It's called conditioned response until things are proved otherwise.
I can barely be responsible for myself. How am I supposed to manage his anger for him? That's not my job. I've threatened to leave numerous times. I'm beginning to think that he sees those threats as idle. Do I act on them now because he won't stop? I've asked him to put on the act that he did for our 5 year courtship. If he could do it then he should definitely do it now. I had no idea Andrew was like this until I got sick. Maybe he really is trying to drive me away. It's working.
He always says that I'm telling him what he's doing wrong. I never tell him that he's doing anything wrong. I always tell him how to do it right if I know what the hell I'm talking about. Again. It's his enormous ego in the way.
I can't take this anymore. He needs some serious help--professional help. He refuses to go do that. Is it going to cost him more to see a shrink or to lose me? What's worth more to him--money or me? Sure shrinks sit there and listen and take your money to do so if you don't tell them in plain English that you are there for a reason and you want them to tell you what to do to fix it. I think it is because they either don't know anything or don't care. He has the tools to change this already. All he needs to do is make the decision to change and then follow through with it. No one else can fix him but himself. He wants someone else to do it because that's the easy way out.
I need to follow through with my threats. How many more chances do I give him? Is this what I married? I did not sign up for this. I promised myself that I would never marry a negative, hateful man. Married or divorced? That's the question.
This is what I just don't get. After having quite a thorough talk with Andrew weeks ago about not pitching fits in front of me, he does it still. I've asked him if he pitches fits at work and lets everyone know how unhappy and miserable he is. He said no. He pitches fits at me constantly. My summation--he has respect for people at his work and none for me. Forget any love. A person that treats me like that has ZERO love for me. Sure he does not hit me, verbally abuse me, or throw anything at me, but he might as well. It's emotional abuse that he's dishing out.
I ask what the pay off is. My summation--the payoff is anger makes him feel good (good as in makes him feel like he's in control) and subconsciously he is demanding to be left alone. That's the payoff. He wants to be in his own little world and fuck everyone else including me. Why else would he do this? I hope he feels ashamed for what he does to a very disabled person.
So this is one reason why MS marriages die. A MSer feels they need/deserve to be treated nicely/respectfully. Just because the MSer has MS and their physical body is failing, doesn't mean that they should be treated any less than a perfectly normal person. An MSer is already having a hard enough time and being treated badly will make the MS worse.
All this over a turkey. I know, from experience in preparing store-bought turkeys, that there is always a neck and giblet bag inside the turkey. That's common knowledge for any turkey preparer or anyone who actually READS THE BAG or listened to their wife on any holiday where a turkey was prepared. The turkey is also supposed to be rinsed thoroughly inside and out. Andrew has prepared quite a few turkeys in the past. Last year he couldn't find the neck inside and I had to tell him that it was there. One always removes the neck and giblets. The giblet sack has a liver in it. I don't want my turkey having a liver flavor from a liver being cooked in it. He might. I don't know.
This Thanksgiving he blows up at me because he mentions that he couldn't find a giblet bag because the turkey was still somewhat frozen. Instead of thawing the turkey out and investigating more he gets mad at me because I told him the bag was in there without even seeing the turkey. He gets madder because he already put the turkey in the oven. How is that my fault? So, by this time he's extremely mad because he has to unpack the turkey and get the giblet bag out. Again. How is that my fault? I assume I am being blamed because I put the giblets in there at the packaging plant and rode in the freezer and stayed in the freezer just to make sure Mr. Andrew wouldn't find it and he'd get angry at his wife. One word. Immature.
So after all this he sits down and starts talking to me about how he feels so angry all the time and he's been like that forever. That's his problem and not mine. How is that my problem or fault to where I deserve to receive his wrath? I gave him the tools (many times previously) for anger management. I am the one that should be angry and I'm not, but I am getting numb to where I'm not feeling much. Is that what he wants--for me to not feel anything at all?
Anger Management
Since he is obviously not able to manage his anger the next step is this. In a nutshell, it's not about managing anything. It's all about positive thinking in the first place. Instead of fighting the losing battle of fighting anger and negative feelings, which forces a person to dwell on their negativity--just think differently. Just think positive about every aspect of your life; from the simple, minor aspects like wiping your butt to the bigger ones as in driving the car. Example: Say "yay I pooped" instead of "son of a bitch. Now I have to wipe my ass and I hope I don't get it on my fingers". The bigger one. "I have the legs to get in my nice, new car, which I love, drive to work and contribute to society". Instead of--"those bastards that drive out on the road make my life a living hell. They better not get in my way or I'll flip them the bird and exhibit road rage so they see just how pissed off I am at them. That'll teach 'em".
You don't have to be an angry, hateful person. It is a daily decision or you will drive people away to where they won't want or have anything to do with you. You will end up a lonely man living alone where no one gives a shit about you. You think I'm driving you away? You have finished me off and have succeeded in driving the last nail into the coffin. Like I said; if I was not ill, I would drive away--far away and not look back.
I've told him all of the examples above.
I've also told him to ask me no matter what it is--anything. If I don't know the answer, I'll say that. I always believed two brains working on something is better than one. He's going to have to get over his enormous ego or, with MS and everything, I'm out of here. It is well known that men in general will not ask questions. That is the stupidest thing. They have such big egos that get in the way of their lives. They refuse to act on making the decision to let their brain override the ego.
This reminds me of a time where a man friend asked me once if a stock trailer would be good trailer to buy. I looked underneath it and saw the tremendous unsafe rust. This man was man enough to see that it would cost a lot of money to replace the floor and to this day admires me for knowing something. I felt like I was being respected by this man and to this day still feel like he greatly respects me.
Oh and one more thing about the turkey. Last year he couldn't find the neck.
He gets so pissed if I am right about anything. Apparently, he didn't understand the wedding vows he took. "Honor and cherish in sickness and in health". Is the anger he is acting upon honoring me in any way? No. It's honoring himself at my expense while hurting me more and more both physically and mentally. I wonder what happened to the 50/50 partnership too. I also think that he is trying to pave the way for two things. 1. My death. If he succeeds in making me hate him, then it won't hurt him so bad when I die. 2. If I do leave, that won't hurt so bad either as long as there is some really good hate going on. It's all about him isn't it. I guess I really don't matter.
So this is the 2009 Thanksgiving holiday that I get to look forward to. I still have to take a shower. He's already made me cry all before 11 a.m.
How do I make him see that this marriage is not all about him and his anger? Sure. I understand that it is hard work to be a caregiver of an MS patient but is that an excuse to display anger towards the MS patient? No. It seems this happens every weekend. How much more am I expected to take? He says he wants me to talk to him before these things come up. How am I supposed to know when his anger is going to surface? I refuse to do that. It is hard enough to be me. He says "if I begin to display anger, call me on it so I don't keep going". You call yourself on it. You aren't stupid. You know exactly what you are doing. You're hoping to get away with it. You wonder why I don't even want to be around you. Hello! It's called conditioned response until things are proved otherwise.
I can barely be responsible for myself. How am I supposed to manage his anger for him? That's not my job. I've threatened to leave numerous times. I'm beginning to think that he sees those threats as idle. Do I act on them now because he won't stop? I've asked him to put on the act that he did for our 5 year courtship. If he could do it then he should definitely do it now. I had no idea Andrew was like this until I got sick. Maybe he really is trying to drive me away. It's working.
He always says that I'm telling him what he's doing wrong. I never tell him that he's doing anything wrong. I always tell him how to do it right if I know what the hell I'm talking about. Again. It's his enormous ego in the way.
I can't take this anymore. He needs some serious help--professional help. He refuses to go do that. Is it going to cost him more to see a shrink or to lose me? What's worth more to him--money or me? Sure shrinks sit there and listen and take your money to do so if you don't tell them in plain English that you are there for a reason and you want them to tell you what to do to fix it. I think it is because they either don't know anything or don't care. He has the tools to change this already. All he needs to do is make the decision to change and then follow through with it. No one else can fix him but himself. He wants someone else to do it because that's the easy way out.
I need to follow through with my threats. How many more chances do I give him? Is this what I married? I did not sign up for this. I promised myself that I would never marry a negative, hateful man. Married or divorced? That's the question.
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