Writings

I'm getting ready to reformat my computer so all my writings are going here.

Be Nice

8/17/12

If you get grossed out—please stop reading. This is for my healthcare FB friends. The latest—It started Monday. The RN from the H.H. agency came out to change my foley catheter. Andrew was here shining a bright flashlight on the area. The nurse prepared with sterile gloves too. She then proceeded to wipe the area with betadine. So far so good until she put the sterile end of the catheter into my vajj. Duh! Due to no urine return this was repeated 20 times until the catheter successfully went into it’s intended destination, but after many vajj insertions, a tampon was inserted into the vajj to mark the vajj as the place not to enter. Andrew watched in horror as the incompetence went on. I need to add that there was no recleaning off of the catheter after vajj insertion before trying the urethra insertion. Needless to say my urethra area was extremely sore Monday night. Wednesday, I called and talked to the supervisor nurse on duty (not a patient patient listener) at the H.H. agency  to tell her what the RN did and how for the next time I wanted a nurse that knew what she was doing. Thursday morning I woke up to a soaked bed. I had bladder spasms that caused urine to leak. I called the supervising nurse, my doctor’s office, and Andrew because my bladder was spasming in a big way and still leaking after 10 a.m. Monday, the fumbly RN said she wanted to use a smaller catheter. It seems to me that smaller is not the answer at this point. So the Dr. put me on Ditropan (anti-bladder spasm med). According to a different Dr. friend of mine “fumbling like that will cause another bladder infection”. Boy, this agency has fumblers on staff? Ugh.

 5/7/12

hi

yah?

wanna play literati

yahoo?

yea

ummm

not until u write what I need to read

ummm? i love u. and i'm sorry

nn i miss you already

ahh...keep going

hhaa. that's my girl. you make me feel. that is a good thing

i'd be so much less without you

u complete me

now withet cleeshaee

without the cheese?

without cheess

exra cheese for you. u get exra

i luv u honey so solly

no cheese please

solly?

huhm tough room. just trying to lighten the load. we gotta not fight so hard

at least not so seriously. not funny, i know

u gotta_____________

flat line?

no.FITB

f in the b?

fill in the blank

FITB oh, i get it

u should tex

t

never!

oh, now. it is just a way of saving time while typing. it's like shorthand

not on a phone. just instead of using whole words which take longer to type

u gotta_____________

fix it? fuck myself? fall in the bath?

IDK

u gotta_____________

message heard but not understood.

U know what to put in the blank.

think
think

what you're tryin' to do to me

IDK what to FITB

u know. I've told u many times

kiss your ______? suck your ______? what? you told me lotsa stuff

b xra nice?

BN doesnt mean only if its convenient or comfortable 4 u

it means at ALL costs

mouthing something does not = nice

yeah, i know. when you are at your worst i need to be at my best, not my worst

yup.

we need some times when we are both at our best

even better than best...SAINTLY!

yeah, it takes that to go through this life sometimes

SAINTLY + nothing less

Ever!

too hard? Too bad. its essential

u wanna play literati? we'll only use nice words

u can spell good

u r on ur game

ok. but u can copy & paste wut i wrote above if u need to remember

Today

i'll put it on a t shirt

seriously. do what u need to do

if i had a silkscreen i would

but i could make a stencil and spray paint it

or just try real hard to remember it

Chat Conversation End

 11/15/11

Dear Andrew,

I am writing this letter because you cannot respond to it by interrupting me or talking. I can write say everything I need to say, which in the past you have not let happen.

It started in 2003 when we got married. I wanted us to write our own vows, but you wouldn't do that. There was a specific reason why I wanted to do that. So because that didn't happen here is what I do have. In the vows that we did say there was specifically these words." I will love, honor, and cherish you in sickness and in health 'til death do us part". That statement to me says I will never treat you less than how I would want to be treated. That has not happened all of the time. That statement in quotations does not say I will do that as long as it is convenient. I have put up with previous crap like a broken leg in the hopes that it would end. It still did not end Monday or Tuesday. Sure, you've been nice the last day but that does not make up for eight years of crap.

I need you to solemnly swear in writing that she you will treat me with the utmost respect that I deserve and that you deserve. I only lashed out because I felt that I did not deserve your wrath. I would have never done that if you were nice to me the whole time.

I do feel like a doormat that is the result of injury. I've been injured by your anger, agitation, and unrest. It is going to take some time for me to get over that.

I need to clarify something. You said not to take it personally. Personally to me means taking it as an attack on me. I have not taken it personally but it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

Sit like stepping on a flower; it might come back but it will show some damage.

I need you to put in a contract what you will do and what you will not do from today on out until I die.

You don't seem to understand something. You cannot sit there and say oh but I'm treating you nice today and expect that to a erase everything else that was done.

Just like at your work I am asking for an improvement.

I need you to man up. Not Dick up. That means take care of your responsibility in marriage. Your responsibility in marriage means that you do not inflict pain or discomfort on your mate. So with that said it admits that I have given you the power over me. My only solution to taking away the power is to recoil and not the so invested in our relationship mentally. In other words I will have to become callous until you stop inflicting damage on me. Do you really want that? I have said that I have been treated better by person who physically abuses me. That did not mean that person physically abused me at all times. When he was not physically abusing me he was very nice. That did not take away the experience of being physically abused it just showed that he was capable of being nice but chose to physically abused. Much like you. You choose to emotionally abused me but if there something in it for you, you are nice.

I am writing this letter because this allows me to complete my thoughts. You do not communicate with me you tell me how wrong I am an interrupt me quite frequently it's on the recorder. When that happens I am unable to complete a thought. That's why I say you do not communicate. Communication is two people talking to each other non-interrupting each other. Next time you see your psychologist you might ask her what communication is. I honestly think you do not know. You think you know everything and what you say and think it is that God's gospel truth. It is not.

I heard somewhere or read somewhere that making love is not the act of sex all the time. They said a person is supposed to make love to the other person all day long. That means love the person all day long. Treat them like they're love all day long. I'll go further since I don't think you understand. Loving the person all day long means that you make the person feel good all day long. If you can't make the person feel good physically you definitely can mentally. That means whatever you are doing throughout the day or thinking throughout the day have love in your mind towards the person you are married to. If you cannot get away from making it about you which it's not, think how you would wonder be treated in that situation. Put yourself in the other persons shoes.

As far as sex goes. We need to turn that into"love making". I feel so cheap when you say sex. I let that go on for so long and now it's time to stop that. You need to start saying lovemaking instead of sex. Say I want to make love to you instead of I want to have sex. You get the idea. If you have questions about that you can certainly ask me. That's something I have no problem talking about. If you don't say" lovemaking", I continue to think that it's all about you. I went to think it's all about us. At this point I do not. I think it's all about you. As I said before, those dildos are purely to get an orgasm out of me to make me feel better that's why I bought them. I would much rather make love you and not use them. If I feel they I am receptacle for you to stick your meet in then I'd rather use a dildo why bother. While I'm on the subject please do me the favor and file your fingernails or use a dildo. It is your pick.

Treating me in a horrible way or not doing/saying anything is just as bad as being a shit head. Not being nice to me is the same as being a shit.

When I broke up with you and tried to break up with you that was my attempt to bring it to your attention that I was not happy in our relationship. That was supposed to be your wake-up call. People do that they get into a relationship figure out it's not what they want and the they leave. I was not happy because I felt used. I thought I deserved better than that. I didn't find anything because I didn't meet up with any men. I felt I still deserved better. When I came back I was not repaired to deal with the same thing that I left. I would've liked to have met a few people but didn't because I had some sort of sense of loyalty. I had great hopes that you would answer the wake-up call. Apparently I was wrong in having not hope. After I got back from UC Davis, I then realized what a huge mistake I made but it was too late. At that time I felt that you won that you tried to win. Now that I'm ill I feel that I deserve much better than what I got before and then some. I'm asking you to treat me like an nice human being. Not some piece of crap that going to die soon. What I'm asking here is not above normal human behavior. Normal human behavior treat another human who is ill and in nice ways so they don't feel so bad because her ill

buying pizza for me does not constitute you as being nice what you say and how you act toward me constitute it if you're being nice not. Buying pizza for me is a nice act that does not erase eight years. Mike, just so I know I is a change

it blows my socks off that you listen to a psychologist and not your own wife. She said do something nice it's the little things I've been telling you that for years. So that says to me that you had an agenda for all these years it's all about you and what you can get smart about me never was.. I've been telling you to do nice little things for me three years and all of a sudden you do them because she says so. Do you know how crappy that makes me feel?

I what's the harm in listening to your own wife and coming up with your own ideas?

FS do you know how crappy that makes me feel to know that you all of a sudden decide to do something nice because someone else said so?

When are you going to give me one whole weekend where you're nice to me and don't make me feel bad? So far you have not done that. Try it you might be amazed at the results you get. Don't talk back don't answer back don't argue. Don't lay faults on me and don't act or say things that fell out it's all about you.

s the I really would like one weekend where I'm not saying to myself" I am married to the biggest outs on the planet". Once you do that (treat me nice for a weekend) you will find it easier and easier to do every weekend after that. Any human in their right mind is nice to someone who is ill and who treats them with the utmost respect because that's all they can do to make them feel better. I expect the same thing out of you you do not have the excuse of not being in your mind

a

I do have to think the state for not making it easy for us to get a divorce. That is the last thing I wanted to do. I

if I was a normal person able to walk around I would tell you fix it and call me when you have. It is not my responsibility to fix you. Because I am trapped here it is your responsibility to treat me the way I need to be treated and make me feel better. (I'm not talking about physical)

I am not asking for material thing. I am asking for my husband to be a nice person on his own to dig deep and find the person that he is. On the recorder I recorded" if I was normal walking around and you do this to me I disable a I need more out of the man then this and I'd say S give me a call when you're there". In this situation because I cannot get up and walk away I need more out of you than I'm getting. I'm not asked for the world, I'm not asking for material things I'm not asking for things that are way out of reach. I'm asking niceness out of you.. It is there you used it when you are trying to get into my pants initially use it again. I put on the recorder" you're too lazy to use it" and" it's all about you again".

You are not helping. You are injuring me mentally. I'm already injured physically and I don't need to be injured mental. I need nice 100% of the time. Not this back-and-forth stuff you're doing. Yes, you were nice yesterday that you weren't here most of the day. I am not that difficult to get along with I am streaming out for you to be nice all the time.. Like I said before it is the standard of human nature to be nice to an ill loved one and nothing less. I#

I honestly don't think you know what to do interrelationship with a woman. It also doesn't help to have never been trained by parents properly. You never researched it either and him and guess he never asked anyone. You wonder why women didn't talk to you. That's why

do this and don't's list

do not ask a disabled person why they aren't doing something

do ask them if they have gotten worse if you really don't know

as do not tell me to not do something

do not tell me I shouldn't do something

do not tell me I should not think something do not tell me anything you wouldn't want to be told

do not expect me to follow your directions to a T

do offer to do something for me if I'm having trouble doing it

usually I will say yes I'm having trouble can you help me please by helping Nina means do it for me

previously, when I went to other men I was looking for what I wasn't getting them all at home and I figured maybe they had some clue of how to treat a woman. That was not the case they had one thing in mind and that was sex so that's the better percentage of why I came back something better than nothing. What I was not getting at home was the whole package the whole relationship package I felt that I was getting just the man package where I could've got that anywhere I needed more as in their relationship that doesn't mean the sex and ship

even with talking with Charlie a year ago I didn't get what I needed all I got was sex talk from a guys standpoint and that I was not interested space in

I would've been the worst gay person because I don't like other women that other women know what women want more than men do. With that said it is not all about the Dick that's why women are gay.

More as an emotional more not the sex more. Your Dick has been fine the whole time but I needed Moratti your brain than that. Fine as in very satisfying but the whole relationship was not satisfying and it hasn't been sized satisfying for me this whole time especially now that I'm screwed up I need more more of your emotional part more of the relationship part.

I don't know that you know how to be in a relationship because you have not exercised a relationship part on me at all. I think you said the longest you were in a relationship with three months. That's really not a relationship that's really not even enough time to get to know each other. My shortest relationship was six months and the longest was five years. I'm not saying I am or relationship expert I'm saying that I apparently need more than what you have to offer. So I'm asking you to step up put yourself out there more you more motional be in a relationship and you act so one-sided about it you been acting one-sided about it for years it's not all about you it's about us

like I said I'm playing back the recorder right now not one him and him probably repeating stuff you know how to get what you want. That was apparent when you were trying him my pants for the first time. You did everything you could possibly do to make me feel so good so I give it up. When I have a new goal to make your wife happy emotionally that is your new goal. Way back when when you were trying to get some and you got some I didn't see that continuing in all was like a one time thing and then pretty much every everything went downhill from there why do you think that one believe why do you think I broke up with you because I saw the end you made that quite clear. I was not okay with that at all. You had no interest in making me feel good or making things nice unless I bitched. I think you did the bare minimum to keep me from fucking somebody else

because you didn't bring the whole relationship to the table I did fuck somebody else

I didn't see you trying to keep the lid relationship at all all I saw was you trying to keep me from fucking somebody else

the reason why I didn't bring all this up before we got married or even at the beginning was because I was afraid you done that you' D space run the other way. Hell I would have. With hindsight I probably should have while taking in consideration your lack of longevity in a relationship or much a relationship at all.

I had no idea in the beginning that you had an inkling, ability, or knowledge is a is a a of having a relationship with a woman or not. You do have a lack of the union relationship that does not mean the you been in 13 relationships now you've had sex with 13 women. I'm in a guess he only had two relationships it that me and the hippie broad. You being obsessive is not considered a relationship. Because I'm a woman and you are a man you need to know what is expected from my side. Artie know what is expected at your side. Intercourse. Maybe the occasional pat on the back and being cold being told good boy.

I am mainly writing this letter because I don't think you have any idea of how to be in relationship and furthermore be in a relationship with a disabled person.

Just so you know getting into this relationship from the get go I wanted a man I wanted a Dick to I wanted the whole relationship but I pretty much only got the Dick.

You do not have a split personality that I know of so when you unleash your anger and agitation out on me or around me that if you allowing that to happen and well so not only do I hate paying her a the agitation that I hate that part of you than is wowing that to happen.

Your doing a little bit of the relationship he now because I pretty much slept it out of you.

Back in the day if I had laid this all out on the table you what it said it you're nuts because you had one agenda on your mind and it was all about you.

There is a standard of care in a relationship and a separate standard of care when taking care of the disabled those two don't get intertwined.

The standard of care with the disabled person is to not let them sit in their poop all day if you're on the premises.

There's a standard of care in a relationship which includes not being one-sided.

You have to open your mouth and communicate to the person that you love them and care for them and all kinds of nice things that you both say that is relationship maintenance. Relationships are not maintenance-free.

Relationships need interaction in a loving manner.

Back in the day I had 1 foot out the door in case it didn't work out and that's why really didn't sit you down and have the talk of how I wanted to be treated by you.

You said you wanted to write me a letter with all of the expectations that you have for me. I don't know what you could possibly expect from me other than when I'm not doing already.

You are not bipolar either and by doing your back-and-forth anger not angry Jim, shoulder not chip on the shoulder agitated not agitated that is putting me through the roughest roller coaster ride. And I like this right. I need you to be nice all the time and not going up and down. That is a relationship standard not all over the place and being mean or acting out an angry towards the person you're married to. Mike from off the roller coaster is not fun and it is not helping. I've seen firsthand your ability to me nice. Keep doing that all the time. This is not my standard of a relationship. This is a standard of them married relationship that works.

Yes I might not be as happy as I used to be you wouldn't either. I am beat down by MS. The last thing I need is for you to beat me down even more with your anger and agitation and your moodiness. You tried being me and being happy it takes a lot for me not to be in a funk. I try my hardest. When you act out your anger and frustration and agitation on me, it makes things a lot worse than they already are.

I know you're going to say oh but have not been nice today? I'm not talking about today I'm talking about from here on out until I die.

I you said I'm not as happy as I used to be. You tried being me and then be happy is used to be impossible. If you help, which it would help, if you were nice all the time that it wouldn't be so hard.

You said you feel like you are having to walk on egg shells the other morning. If it does not come naturally to you to be nice that what it'll feel like if you have to be nice.

You just realized recently that you are not the only person on this planet so that with that said that means that everything I have said above is correct. That means you did everything was selfish motives. That is so unlike me because of all the crap I've been through my life. I went through life with the people that were important to me in mind and thought of them first before thinking of myself.

I do have to appreciate and praise you for adapting to my situation. You are doing and ask: job of taking care of me no one can take care of me like you do. It is not ideal by any means. Because I don't have a choice in the matter it is so much easier to deal with it when you're not fighting it.

That brings a new meaning to the words go with the flow of it.

There's a reason why I don't like talking about this. I don't like writing about it either. I'm not in denial at all. I note directly with going on but I'm choosing to ignore it is best as I can.

I need your love and support. Every day needs to be a fabulous day where we both have a good attitude in spite of what my situation is. If you do your part that will help me feel more at ease. I definitely need that now more than ever. You were part does not equal reaching me. Your part equals being nice to me and having a good attitude despite everything.

I am not asking for your response and I am not telling you to respond to this letter and I definitely don't want an argument or a disagreement. That helps nothing and you will never change my mind so don't even bother. The other day you said you were in a write a letter what your expectations are for me. That is uncalled for a fair and if you did write something like that I wouldn't read it. All we need to do is be nice to me and I'll be nice back to you. Don't argue with me and I won't argue with you. Don't really use your anger and agitation on me and I won't do the same. But when If you want to write me a letter write something nice. I'm only writing this letter because I need you to know what's going on in my head. I really don't think you know because of past experiences within the last week.

Do not ever argue with me, disrupt me, or disagree with me. I am not unreasonable. What is it in my head is me. You need to know what's in my head and not disagree with it. If you were in my situation being in all and all the rest I would be fine with you writing something like this to me because I would appreciate that your brain is still working and appreciate still wanting to me loved.

What I meant and I feel I need to clarify because I don't think you understand, by the phrase quotation mark to give; you get" that was only referring to the attitude and niceness or meanness and anger. That did not pertain to anything else.

Do saying nice things to me. You are capable of it.

I cannot carry this relationship any longer I feel that I have done both parts. I find myself saying things to myself that you are supposed to say to me but don't. Man up and treat me like you would wonder be treated and go further than that and treat me like I want to be treated my old to our wonder be treated now I don't wonder be treated. It is no mystery. That's why I say grow up, man up, wises up and be in the adult only adults and treat other adults like they need to be treated. You are not a victim and never have been so this whole attitude of hope poor me doesn't fly. I am the wrong person to try that on mainly because of my situation. That is why when someone winds to me they're not get any sympathy out of me. It is basically being nice to someone at all times and being compassionate when there have in our time. When I have a bladder infection, which I am sure I do at this time, you have to know by now that's when the brain my brain goes bonkers because it is dealing with infected blood which goes through mauled body. Do not act like a little boy sitting in the corner after being scolded or spanked. Do man that take responsibilities for your actions. Taking responsibility for one's actions does not mean dealing with the results of one's actions. That means deciding the correct way to act in the first place. Taking responsibility for one's actions means that they know they need to be nice and then he asked nice so there is nothing to apologize for it and

do not whine do not tell me how bad your life is.

Try being me and then have someone whine that is the last thing you want to hear and that's like saying it's all about me or you.

You said the other day the you felt like you had to walk on egg shells around me. That's what happens when you're not nice.

It is no way to live to have someone exercising their anger and agitation on me when I'm already messed up with sickness.

Do you feel used when I'm constantly pestering you about sex. That's too bad. I'll stop pestering you about it. Artie told you a few that. The other day he said to tell you to use mean abused me I could not tell if you were joking and now is another crappy thing to say to me. I have felt used for years. I felt the only reason you kept me around was for that reason. It just seems to me that when I used to mention sexy you you would get agitated. Instead of saying something nice like Honeywell a talk about it later will do this weekend or something like that you got agitated like you want me to shut up. You could've said something nice. Like honey I'll make you feel like $1 million this weekend and give it to you like you need it. But no you didn't do that he would just dig your heels into the ground like you're telling me to shut up. That was wrong. You should have been honored that a woman to actually one anything out you in that regard. That goes for any man that has a woman who is not gay. I did not deserve the response you gave me because it was in my mind a hateful and resentful. It is now not called sex anymore but lovemaking. It is no longer all your idea it is no longer under your control and it is no longer all about you. It has to do with us not just you.

A high percentage of the time you have said you one of fuck or you want to have sex. That statement could be made to a prostitute or I could make that to any man. We need to specialize it between us and not say things that could be said to anybody else.

So I'm not hot anymore or probably ever was but just because of that that shouldn't make many different. It seems to me that you're just doing it because you need to get off and there's no other reason. You have convinced me of any other reason. I feel like you make me feel like I'm disgusting. If you like doing my whole you should say so. When you don't say so I think that you don't like doing it but you're just doing it because you have to get off and I need something but that's it. Make them feel special between us and don't make me feel like you could be doing it with anybody but you're just a me because you have herpes. This is my attempt to make you realize how I feel. You have any asked you haven't tried to know. When I say used in this situation that is not a good used and I am having a hard time finding a joke anywhere in their. I don't see the lovemaking as a joke at all. Make it special on your side make me feel special. Don't make me feel like you're only doing it because of obligation. Say things to me that you wouldn't say to anybody else make me feel like I'm not just somebody or something to use because you don't have anybody else. Make me feel loved. Three weeks ago or so whenever was you lay down next to me and did things and you haven't done in years. That should not a once every five years thing that should be all time. I know you're thinking over a well then what I also she got wanted to shoot and get bored of that. Will cross that bridge when we come to it. If I feel loved, then I probably won't need anything else.

It breaks my heart that I married a man who is okay with letting his anger the best of him and treating his wife who is disabled and bedridden

no sarcasm

no joking with me unless I'm already joking with you because I never know when you're joking

always think before you speak. Think of how what you're going to say it's going to impact me. Also before you say it ask yourself with that be something that you would want said to you.

Think to yourself before you talk are those things you're ready to say to me adhering to the vows you took when you married me

any relationship whether it be friendship family marriage is a responsibility. And if you want to be in that room kind of relationship or continue it you have to do your part to be a positive addition to the relationship.

The responsibility of marriage is to treat the person you're married to with kindness, generosity of yourself, and goodness. It is not one-sided, and doing your part to not make them feel bad as and what is coming out your mouth that should not make them feel bad. And how to know if that'll make them feel bad is by asking yourself if that thing that you are going to say that comes out of your mouth if that was said to you would you feel good or bad?

I reacted and how I reacted by throwing things because I did not feel that I deserve that or appreciated it. It was mean and nasty. I was not going to put up with that. So I did what I could do to get my point across because you weren't getting my point stop me stop talking stop means stop being mean to me stop means stop what you're doing.

When you were not kind to me and are doing things which are not appropriate you were acting in the way that it's all about you. Don't forget. You said a while back to you realized that the the world didn't revolve around you you weren't the only one the world. You said also that" where's my reward"? There is no reward for what you're doing unless you decide that your reward is taking care of me the best you can and not making me feel miserable. Again I will clarify miserable as in misery from you.

So if you don't like the reward, keep in mind that you're the one that decided to do this in the first place. So you're to have to like the reward or don't do it.

You are capable of being nice person. You have demonstrated that to me. Keep it up. That's something you can do for me emotionally. That is so much better than not being nice around me.

The reason why I am able to contemplate not being here is that I cannot handle being around anyone that any less than nice. It's either that or nothing. I would miss you for sure time but I get over it. I would rather have nothing then being mistreated. Mistreated means calling mean names acting angry around me acting agitated around me and so on.

The main reason why I don't want talk about this or mention it ever again is because it hurt tremendously that I have to spell this out and that's why I'm writing it down so you can reference it if he ever have a question you and go read letter again. I am not going to talk about this ever again. A new leaf has to be turned over here. And the new leaf is niceness. Reference means going back and reading it and not talking to me about it

what I get about that statement and that you said you feel like you're walking on egg shells around me is that being nice is not what you want to be doing you'd rather be angry at me or you'd rather be angry around me will that's not going to happen anymore. A person is only walking on egg shells when their expected to do very inappropriate or very high standard things that there very not able to do. Instead of saying things are so hard you should be saying I want to be good to you I want you to think that I'm being nice to you. And you should ask me if you are actually being nice to me. Because I really don't think you know.

The only reason why I would leave for 30 days is that you would hopefully realize how horrible you have been to me and not do that anymore. Yes I would ban you from visiting me because that would make you think about how much you wanted me back it if you did. I would not be leaving for 30 days see you could visit me. That would defeat the purpose. I'm going to write this once and I am never going to write it again. And if you care enough you would ask me you would put the thermometer in the water and ask how I'm doing how your doing how I feel you were doing in the way you treat me

they call it do or die time. And that's what it is.

I heard you starting in the kitchen cooking and then I heard that stop and I heard you going out the back door out of your room so I'm guessing that you heard was going on in here and you don't like it so you're going to process the weed.

The last thing I thought I'd ever do in my life was begged my husband to treat me decently.

Today my as if you were upset or mad. You said yes. I appreciate you being honest with me. I do not appreciate you giving off the aura that you are mad stead of acting like you're happy I'm already miserable enough. I don't ask what but I need you to be more than putting off the war of anger and madness. It didn't help that my hip hurt morning tremendously bad. That is not your fault. My hip just her.

I can't wait to be done with this letter.

You need to get over the idea of you give you get means you get something else other than the good attitude. You need to get over that means you need to stop thinking that you can get something other than a good attitude if you give a good attitude.

Thank you for not doing what you've done in the past by forgetting everything else while you're processing that we weed.

I've probably mentioned the same thing in this letter over and over because I am trying to get the point across to you and I don't know how other than that.

I have never been in a situation before this in my life where I have to attempt to communicate everything before.

It is normal human behavior to communicate with each other not so one person has to spell it out. Normal human behavior equals knowing how to deal with another person. Much like cats they have instincts on how to deal with each other. I have never had to explain myself so much in depth because anybody I ever met understood the human nature on how to deal with other people. How to make them feel good how to be nice etc.

my memory malfunction is because of the MS it is a physical malfunction that's going on in my brain. It is not my choice. A lot of things that are happening with me are not my choice. You need to see that and understand that and if you can't you need to ask nice questions for example how is your eyesight doing today. I was your pain level today? In regards to the pain level slippages what my hips did they I can't tell you beforehand I can't tell you until they're moved. Tonight it might be a different story.

I notice when you do do things and when you don't do things. I also know when you lie to me when I've asked a question you could say if you haven't done it you could say out to second instead of telling me yes you already did it when you didn't. White lies are still wise. I never want any idea that you have lied or would never lie. I made for yet if you have AMD my teabag or clean my crotch. That is a fact of physical mental problem. I don't have to stuff to bug you. I ask you that stuff because I need to know. I don't always remember to praise you for doing something because in the normal case I have forgotten that you did it so I've forgotten to praise you I've forgotten the whole thing here is another example when you fill the O2 machine up with water and tell me about it then you'll get a nice thank you out of me. But if you don't tell me about it right when you're doing it you probably won't get anything out of me.

I would like to be able to stake to you what's on my mind and what the facts are that's going on with me without you getting an attitude or arguing. That is only fair. That is the professional mannerism that healthcare providers do. Because you are not me you cannot argue with what comes out of my mouth.

Stop responding in an argument to the things I have to say and instead say okay.

Those are my thoughts coming out of my head and they are not to be argued with or control.

From the time you get this letter and until I die or from now on there is no more discussion. Unless it doesn't have anything to do with what is in our brain as in the mortgage or VB IDE or a cat. That's one of the reason why I am dying to get done this letter. And I'm not going to hug you and say oh baby it's okay any time you ordered tried to get mad. That is called a Dick sucker.

It takes two people to argue. If one person doesn't argue then there is no argument. So be the better person and don't argue and you won't get anything argumentative out of me. If I have something a my mind that I need you to know that's a fact that's not an argument that is a fact.

I would like you to reset broke Kate be the being concerned of the other person's well-being. I feel one-sided on that. In fact I still feel that you care about yourself morning you need to me. I don't you recall you ever asking me a list of anything. I always ask you how your shoulders doing how everything is doing with your help last night I asked how your back was doing I even tried to read your back but you never asked me how I'm doing. What happens is you do something and then you wait for me to scream and then you think it's all about how wrong you were now that's not the case of all. How about doing a inventory on how I'm starts from the head goes to the feet dry doing that sometime you'll be amazed at how much more leaving care about you.

It may be hard for you to believe but actually do care about your well-being and if you're in any pain or not and with that said please reset broke Kate that means you care about how I'm doing how I'm feeling. I have no agenda when I'm asking you how we you are feeling. In my mind my mind says to me how is your husband doing physically does he have any aches and pains? And then it says what can I do to help to make them feel better.

How about scheduling your day to fit in and put near the top they need to be nice to your wife at all times no matter what you have scheduled for the day. To be in a rush in a hurry to go see a psychologist and not even saying a proper goodbye to your wife is pretty crappy in my book. Don't do that again. If you need to run off, a lot some time for proper goodbye. That's the least you can do. It amazes me how all this stuff that is free and actually easy to do, you have the worst time doing it. What if all this cost you money to then it would be a lot worse.

Take the time to make sure that I don't feel like you are in a hurry to ignore me and leave me. When you run off without saying a proper goodbye I feel like you're running off could you want to get away from me. That is not right you need to fix that. You asked me what I wanted for my birthday and I said I wanted a growler from the Arbor brewing Company. And you did everything but yet it. You didn't take the time to research it and you didn't take the time to make sure you had the allotted time to get. You also didn't do the phone calling. That is such an easy thing you could've done. And cheap when my dad. I would have done that for you with no problem. That was such a simple thing. Buying a beer at a grocery store or convenience store that's not the same thing and not what I asked for. If you don't want to know what I want for my birthday don't ask if you have no intention of getting something that I've asked for then don't ask. Because you did ask and that's what I told you and by not getting it it came across to me that that was not on your list of things you wanted to do therefore you thought you have the right to drop at all. Again if you aren't then intend on getting something that I've asked for then don't ask.

Do I ever not get you something if you ask for it? I always get you what you ask for and not something the substituted. As as dumb as I might think it is that you asked for I still get it and I don't say anything about it either.

I might be disabled and bedridden but I still matter. As long as my brain still works I still matter.

With that said you are no longer allowed to put me on the back burner and make me feel like I'm being ignored.

Just because you are not acting out an anger or your Tatian of the time does not mean you can be mean stead or ask inappropriate or unnecessary questions just to make me feel bad.

My recorder had all this stuff about that incidents regarding the Xbox and red dead. Now that that affordable incidents is over thank you for helping me to find those things.

Within the last couple of days you've been a lot nicer and you actually been encouraging which helps a lot. My mental status needs that just like cures need that.

It is not acceptable to ever kiss me off citing any excuse no matter what.

I love you more than life itself. That’s why I’m still alive. Rember you responded saying “that makes it all worth while”.

I'm only writing this because this is what happened in the past. The don'ts and do are written because of what has happened in the past. Apparently you don't know the do's and don'ts because you've done them.

No one can teach another person common sense. It has to be ingrained and they have to be born with it. I'm only writing this to you because I don't think you have common sense when it comes to relationships. I think that because the way you treated me.

I'm writing this letter because I don't think you know what is in my head. You are not me so you don't know. This is the last thing I wanted to do was to write you a letter like this. This is not scolding you this is not telling you off this is telling you the do's and don'ts so you can proceed until I die with the knowledge of how to treat me. It is more painful for me to have to write this then it is going to be for you to read this. Painful for me because I have to explain it to you how I need to be treated.

Regarding the sex talk or whatever you said I can't remember what you said; I can't help but think the you hate the sound of my voice so much that you want me to whisper and sound like somebody else. Maybe that's outrageous to think that but that's what I think.

I would never ask you to sound like somebody else. That is like saying I want to sleep with someone else and not you. I want to have relations with you and not someone else. So I would never ask you did say anything other than what you say and I would never ask you to it sound like anything than what you sound like. Because I love you

and then you tell me today that you want me to hurry up with this letter. I am not going to hurry up with the letter because you said so I am not going to hurry up and do the letter printed out so you can take it to your psychologist to read and tell you how bad that letter is that I wrote that to you. It is between you and me and not you mean her. I would never tell you to talk like somebody else. I would never tell you to talk any different than you normally talk. Because what you say makes the difference not how you say it when it comes to lovemaking. It's from you and not someone else. I would never say that you. Because that would make you feel like you don't undo that because that would make you feel like I don't want to make love to you. I want to make love to somebody else.

When you asked me when we were watching the red dead game and you didn't even wait for me to get by the horse you are ready with the question of why do you done do what I tell you to do and you didn't even wait until I was done you're already ready with that question ready to fire. It is controlling to tell people what to do when you're not their parent. It is controlling to tell me" not to do something like not just do on something". What I do is really none of your business and not your concern to tell me what to do. You want to come across is not controlling? Don't tell anyone what to do or what they should not do.

I get the impression that today much like last time you are trying to impress the psychologist by whirring about it and making your wife feel like the foot or sole of the foot while you're in a hurry again just so you can make your appointment. I think you need work on making your appointments while not making people feel like ship just so you can get to your appointments.

So here's a tip for you. Lee and allotted amount of time to get there to have the appointment and to get back. Do not be in a hurry. Schedule your whole day the day before. That is your responsibility and no one else's. You managed to make me feel like crap every time he go run off when you're in a hurry to go somewhere. You're not prioritizing correctly. Here's another tip. I should be your top priority. When you're in a hurry to go somewhere make your priority feel like she still a priority can't you do both? That again requires scheduling of time you have not done yet am still waiting for you to do that. Like you're okay with making me feel like crap if you're in a hurry. I don't think the psychologist has helped one bit. What I can see that may have helped is what I've told you already. By going to an appointment you have been forced to realize that you do have time. Anything she has said to you I've already said to you months ago. You have not told me anything that I have not already told you. Again today while you are rushing to be to go shopping you were fine with getting into a conversation with me that was inappropriate. You should have never even gone there. You should have been nice the whole time settle honey I got ago I love you but no you came over and you hugged Walmart really Hudbay frame and me and kissed me like you were in a hurry. I reason that hell out of that. Because I feel like you are putting someone else's life and important in front of me. I am not selfish. I am in a relationship with you. And I expect the decency that a relationship is supposed to bring. And you have not given me that not all the time not when you act up need do wrong things.

When you are acting up around me and doing anything that is not nice. Nice is not throwing stuff not showing bad body language and not having an attitude and not having feelings of discontent. I can read you like a book. If you expressed the discontent that you act out around me towards anybody else they would steer themselves the other way no one would put up with that. Even the boneheads at your work can read your body language. It's apparent and wavelike red flag especially on you since you are not good at hiding anything. That is nice and what I should be treated that is mean and nasty and hateful on your part. When a person is selfish and thinks only of themselves they don't care how old the other person around them is treated and make treat them accordingly like crap.

I'm not writing this for my health and him not writing this as my guide. I'm writing this so you know that anger, irritation, meanness, and anything negative that I don't like (and you know what that is). Is no longer acceptable in the house. Just like at work you have to be nice act nice and come across nice to me. I can't beat it into your ad enough and I've tried. So this letter is my last attempt.

Yesterday you said that you thought I was crazy when I wanted to put that barn up. Were you thinking I was crazy when I said put a slab and it for you? The reason why one that barn put up was because one we Artie had it into the place for you to put stuff because we don't have space in this area.

When we were playing that red dead and you came up with the question of why I wasn't following your directions, I asked you why are you being such a bitch. I should've said instead to ask yourself the same question with roles reversed. I apologize for asking you why are you being such a bitch. That was not nice.

When you asked me that question all I could think was lower myself to his level and make them think how does he like it. There was inappropriate in mean for you to ask that question and now was inappropriate and mean to respond in that way but I did. What I was really trying to do was say something so shocking that it would wake you up to the inappropriateness of your question.

I was trying to get you to pay attention to what you had just said. Was inappropriate and mean. It's like having a disabled person with cancer or some other disease not to do something that tries and asks for help while they're trying and then gets the question why are you not doing that. You cannot turn that around and tell me that you really didn't know why. You were just frustrated that I wasn't doing exactly what you were saying. Controlling.

Stop being controlling.

Any time you want to take over the bills let me know. I will be more than happy to give that up to you. The only thing is you have to pay them when they show up and pay them how they need to be paid. Two of the credit cards don't come with them elopes because I pay them online. So if you don't want me to know all the finances and you do want to go spend money on stupid stuff feel free that if you're going to do that again have the pay bills to. That's the only way you'll know what money is coming and going. I saw the way you paid bills in paradise and that's why it took over because it was not acceptable to be one move away from getting the power shut off. In my state now I definitely cannot have the power shut off because the bills been not paid twice. Also we don't get a PG&E bill that is paid online to. You'll say I never had the power shut off in paradise. That's not my point the point is bills would stack up and you didn't pay them until absolutely last-minute. In these times the bill collectors could change their policy and any time to anything they want and then we'd be out of luck. That's why keep paying the bills because I really don't want that to happen. Also you have enough to do. Now the you actually shown that you can take time to do stuff actually you have all kinds of time that you did 90 add. In my opinion you chose to let your brain think that you had no time. In actual fact you have all kinds of time. Use your time wisely.

Do not throw things back into my face. That is mean. I try to give u tools and instead of using them u throw them back at me.

You call me immature. Look at yourself.

Just like your job, you do one bad thing and the good gets erased. So don’t do bad and that won’t happen.

Care about me the way I need.

When u get ready to say something to me, pause first b4 saying it and ask yourself mentally “would I want what I’m about to say be said to me”? If the answer is yes then say it if no don’t

You’ve complained that the way I’ve expressed how I feel is an overdraumitization. Too bad. Change yourself and actions so I don’t feel that way.

As of 9/13 I’m still waiting for 1 nice weekend. Instead of saying it’s a 4 day weekend which u did, sayI’ll be nice starting this second.

You’ve put me through a rollercoaster of hell with your inconsistency. That’s night right to do to your ill wife.

I’m still waiting for the good/nice man that I married to come out 100%. My lefe would be easier to go through if u would remove the crap equation 100%. Only u can do that.

The reason why I used to throw things at you was because I was so frustrated that I was married to a man who had the audacity to treat me like crap what I was already sick. That was just wrong in my book. It is normal human nature to treat someone nice when they're sick not nastily. I threw things because I tried to get your attention that you what you were doing to me was not acceptable and it was not wanted and not understood and then needed to stop. Apparently my throwing things at you were futile because you didn't get it. That was at the time when you thought you were the only person on this planet. I stop throwing things because I had to go with a different way about getting it across to you to stop. That explains my reason for throwing things. That was not some uncontrollable mentally weird or crazy person doing that that was because I had a reason for doing it. I have a reason for doing everything. Calling other people because you thought I was being crazy was the wrong thing to do. At the time you should have actually looked to yourself and how you were treating me. If you had done that you would've thought may be it was wrong for you to do that and then change your behavior accordingly. If you had did that instead of whining to other people I would've stopped that a lot faster. Whining to other people is unacceptable when you're the problem and not me. When a person is failing physically they are not the problem. It is the person missed treating them that's the problem. I can't change what's happening to me physically. Only you can change how you handle it. I sure as shit am not taking any mental altar rating prescription medication. Remember that. So if you respond to me and appropriately and pisses me off that is your problem and you need to stop doing that. I am not going to change any of my mental thinking regarding anything you say. You are not going to change my mind at all in any area. I am an adult and no one else has the right to try. I wouldn't do that to you so don't expect me to do it.

It is not okay to treat me bad and then tell me to suck it up. That's like saying to me that you're going to treat me however you want to treat me as bad as it may be but I have to get over it and I have to deal with it and I have to be fine with it. That is never going to happen. I've sucked up over a lot of things more than a woman should have to and if I did the same thing to you which you have done to me, you would be in bad shape. I don't think you are mentally strong enough to handle something like that. I, on the other hand, have had to talk myself into handling it. That's why I am longing for you to be nice to me for one whole weekend and if you can do that then you can definitely do that for the rest of my life.

9/17/2011

this morning while we were sitting on the bed I thank you for stopping drinking the coffee. I then said what I felt which was I did not like you telling me that you could not talk before you had your coffee when you were drinking it. I also told you that said to me that your coffee was more important than me. You started saying something about food and made it a bigger deal than it was. I then had to stop you and tell you can't you say thank you and okay and be done with it. You were making it into something it was not. It was a positive thing that I said that you managed to turn into negative and that's why I have put a stop to it. I understand you need to heat but that's different than caffeine. Eating is a necessity. Caffeine is not. Caffeine is an addictive substance so the problem I was having with you telling me that you couldn't talk to me without having your coffee told me that your addiction was more important than me. It's like saying I need to smoke crack before I talk to you That's the point I was trying to get out that was unacceptable. So all was trying to tell you was thank you for stop drinking coffee. No addiction; no putting an addiction in front of your wife.

You need to learn how to take compliments and take thank you's. Compliments and thank you's are not a request for an argument or something negative. They are something nice to say about you. You need to learn that. So this weekend unlimited have to teach you in your have to go through the exercises of taking complements and thank you's. When someone says something nice to you, complements you, or tells you thank you, your job as a human is to respond in a positive way and say thank you back and that's the end of it. A complements or a thank you is a positive gesture from somebody else and it is not a request for a negative comment back or an argument. You need to take of them and shut up. Do not take things that I say that are positive turn them into a negative. Like I said practice what you preach you always tell me to be positive and you always tell me that you're being negative if I am being negative so practice what you preach. Be positive all the time.

9/20/11

talk about walking on egg shells. If I can't say something innocently nice that has come into my brain like you're constantly taking around that player like a pacifier that is a prime example of having to walk on egg shells. You took it totally the wrong way you took it negative incentive something funny and ridiculous. It came to my brain because that's what it reminded me of. That's it I had no other thoughts. You turn it into something that isn't. It is now Tuesday in your weekend that you were supposed to be perfectly nice you have not been you have managed to make every single day even if a moment in that day not a nice day. I had asked you a weekend ago to be nice to me. That does not mean be nice to be when it's convenient for you. I am now waiting for the next weekend for you to be nice to me the whole weekend no matter what I say no matter what I do. You being does not include sex or anything else. It does mean your attitude, words spoken, and body language. Throwing pillows nastily is not nice.

10/8/11

this morning you succeeded on making me feel horrible and useless and unwanted and like a mother again, which I am not.

I asked you how you were doing because I am genuinely concerned about your well-being. If you are concerned at all about my well-being you would not have said what you did say which was" you're telling me what to do again". You did not hear me out once again. And what I didn't get a chance to say was try it. I had no thoughts and I did not say anything about you changing anything except switching what you did around. You get high and completely stupid and I sit and watch you. You are after mental to your self. All my suggestion was brush your teeth when you're done eating and then come back to bed and get high and then you have nothing else to do. But what I see happening is you make getting higher priority and then your night is even longer because you're too high to go brush your teeth. You should have said before you left which what you did manage to do is cowardly to not even say something like that like I understand your concern honey and I know you're trying to say you meet time at night and I'm sorry I'm so stubborn but will talk about it tonight. Today after you manage to hurt me I didn't even want to say I love you when you left and don't even want to talk to you on the computer and tonight I feel fine with not saying anything to you. You have no idea how much damage you do to me. You don't see that I tried to help. The last thing I want to do was tell you what to do and that wasn't what I was trying to do. I was just trying the layout a different plan of action so you can get some more sleep. You have managed to make me cry today. They clone lots.

The reason why it is taking me so long to finish this is that I I dread going through the torture of what you put me through over and over. I told you a couple weekends ago that if you would stop doing this I wouldn't have anything to write anymore. But again this morning you give me another reason to write.

11-15-11

You buy aBat and tell me ro hit you with it. I tell you I’m not going to hit u withit because I hit myself w/it = its too hard. Later u piss me off so much bynot listening to me