Talk about evil people...

So I recently found out that I've been fed deceptively out of a bubbled, compromised nonstick fry pan. A while back I explained how they work and that I would never eat from a compromised one. I now know what I can't expect from the moron...truth and trust.

Seriosly?!

So I email the mother-in-law after sitting on it for a month. I even wrote no response needed. Duh! How else do I have to say it. Leave me the fuck alone? I wrote this > Hi, >> I figured I'd write to you to let you know what's going on with me if > you cared. >> I'm not asking for a response from you. If you didn't know, I'm also > writing because Andrew would feel more at ease. I'm pretty much done > with facebook and/or any social sites. If I feel like bitching, I'll do > it elsewhere. >> I'm bedridden & haven't been off my bed (except to take a shower once a > week) in months. >> My left arm no longer works. I no longer can type (I use Win7's onscreen > keyboard to type when my right hand allows). My signature is a joke > (dexterity gone south). My eyesight is horrible (double vision & > blurriness). I can't see what's on a piece of paper. I can't see what's > on a computer screen unless I hit ctrl+ repeatedly. I often go "postal" > due to constant bladder infections. 2 per month. Yes I take lots of > over-the-counter stuffto prevent that such as cranberry, vit. C and > drink tons of water to no avail. I'm tired all the time. My short-term > memory is toast i.e. I can't remember what I'm doing on the computer > unless I write it in Notepad & leave it on the screen. I'm pretty > frustrated all the time 'cause I can't do what I did 3 years ago. I get > unbearable physical pain at times with no apparent reason or cause. I'm > completely bladder & bowel incontinent. If you are anything like Andrew, > you will most likely find satisfaction in the following statement. I too > think that putting the "dirty laundry" post on facebook was probably not > the best thing to do. Yesterday, I deleted it from facebook. I was > pretty pissed off at the time of posting & at my wits end. > Sharon She responds Hi Sharon, Thank you for writing; I was hoping you would. Of course I care what is going on with you. I am sorry about what happened with the Facebook post. I was upset with the picture of Andrew, which was pretty funny until I saw the negative description of what was going on and looked at the picture again. I have since found out from him that he has been crabby and less than thoughtful at times, maybe more than half the time?. Since he is a big part of your world, that effect is magnified. I think he is really, really depressed and I wish he would take something, but he refuses. Aside from the stress he is under, depression's hallmarks are irritability and negativity. Now, from your perspective, I think your stress is probably double what his is, just from your illness and the fact that your world is shrinking, and your future is grim. And you have the physical stress of having to expend a lot of effort to get less and less done, even simple things. Plus having a caregiver who does love you, but it's not always evident. Actions speak louder than words, so if he seems not to be caring at any given time, he isn't. What was that line from Love Story? "Love means never having to say you're sorry." Never is a little extreme, we all make mistakes, but it shouldn't be an everyday thing. I was dismayed when he admitted that to me. I wish there was something I could do to help. Actually, he probably told you I've offered to give him an advance on his probable inheritance at a rate of up to $13,000/year which could cover either house payments or an aide. The hard part of the latter is finding someone reliable and strong. I saw his advertisement on Facebook, but I don't think the exposure is to the right people. All his friends see it, but they already know the situation. The incentive of room and board alone is probably not enough, but maybe that $13,000 could pay a small salary along with room and board, $1,000/month. If you think about it, who besides a homeless person would go for just room and board? And my first choice wouldn't be a homeless person. I know you'd prefer to be at home, but a nursing home is not a bad option, either, and you'd have better care and some social exposure. I was upset with the post, but that is in the past, and I had already decided not to hold a grudge (one of my favorite activities) even before your email, based on emails from Andrew and just general guilt because I know I shouldn't do it. I was hurt when you unfriended me, even though I understood it. And I am continually anguished over your health situation, which continues to decline. Reading over your email, re typing, you could get Dragon and just speak into the microphone. Apparently, recent versions are very good at not making too many (often funny) mistakes. I hope you keep in touch with me via emails and maybe video chats on Google+. And I hope to see you next summer when we come to California. Love, E

Petty

Both my husband & his mother are petty, selfish jerks. To put my husband's mind at ease, I had to write an email to her. What I really wanted to say was you fucking bitch, fuck off and fuck you. How dare she. My moron for a husband isn't man enough to stand up to her. I now understand why her other daughter-in-law won't let her see the grandkid. She brought it on herself. Does she ever actually help? Never. Only with the occasional money gift. I should have known when she called me "poison" prior to us getting married to run the other way. What a bitch! I can't figure out why her husband stays with her. Probably money. Poor dude.

Fucks for the day!

And not in a good way. I have a little fight left. Not much. GO FUCK YOURSELF! Fuck off, Fuck you. Grow the Fuck up!

Once a jerk always a jerk. The jerk doesn't fall far from the jerk tree.

I didn't know that I married an insensitive, unempathetic lying jerk. If I would have known then what I know now I would have definitely said NO. If I could divorce him, I would. If I could leave him, I would. He's an idiot. This is what he's done. don't normally do this but because this picture is so good/funny and Andrew approved of the picture being posted anyway I'm doing this. I don't relish airing out dirty laundry. It's been going on for four years. Why? I don't know. My gues s is that Andrew doesn't handle his expectations not going the way he wants them. It's inconceivable to me that an adult human would act like this towards a spouse. What's been happening is Andrew has been overreacting and as I call it acting childish/immature/spoiled and has a huge chip on his shoulder and anything that goes remotely wrong he overreacts and acts in anger towards it around me. Anything sets him off such as a strawberry or a dog bowl. He gets agitated and irrational at the smallest little things. I've asked him to go see a psychiatrist but he's refused over and over. A person could say go get a caregiver to take a week off of his load. Good luck trying to find one. Yes I would love to find a caregiver to take care of me for an entire week. Sure it would cost that's not the issue. The issue is finding one. He basically makes it well known that it's all about him and how horrible his life is. He doesn't know how to exercise empathy. That is a learned skill to someone that doesn't know how to exercise it. I gave him the option of taking care of me or getting someone to do it before my downhill turn and he chose the option to take care of me and again little did I know that I had to explain to him how to emotionally take care of an ill person. It's not just physical. He's never taken care of anyone in his life before me. One important thing is to not make the ill person feel worse which he does. He pitches a fit in stead of acting matter-of-factly. I let him know that it's not okay and he has promised and promised over and over again that he wouldn't do it. Yet he keeps doing it. It makes me cry and feel horrible. It is not normal to do what he does around an ill person. He is able to control himself. He has exhibited that. Most of the time he opts not to and he whines to me about having these feelings. Yeah whatever dude. I have lots of problems but I don't whine about it. He says I do. He has no clue. I scratch my head because he can pull it together enough to not act like that when other people are in this house while putting on the impression that he is Mr. Wonderful. I know differently. I am the only one that gets the privilege of witnessing his poor behavior. I have to think of the positive side. I had a heck of a time finding one. I found a couple. He takes very good care of me physically unless he does something that hurts me and is not a flake in that regard. He is a flake by continuously saying that he's not going to do things to make me feel bad and continuously goes back on his word. He wonders why I call him a liar. At least he's not beating on me physically. He does carelessly injure me because he only thinks about himself. It has gone on so long that I'm now pretty much feeling no love towards him and that he is just here to take care of what I need that's it. I've tried to find love that was there but have been unsuccessful. He tells me to remind him not to have certain attitudes. That's not my job that's his job. I have enough problems. It is emotional abuse in my book. I have not told anyone else about this in detail but after many broken promises and refusals to go see a psychiatrist or to at least learn how to not emotionally damage someone it's about time. It's like he does it and then feels bad about doing it but keeps doing it. Apparently, he doesn't feel bad enough to stop. I've asked him to not do it nicely, not so nicely and every which way I can find. I understand that it's hard for him to have to take care of me but he promised to do it way back when and I'm not talking about wedding vows. I didn't know I had to mention be kind at all times no matter what. I don't have a choice with doing anything other than putting up with it. If I were an employer and he was my employee I would've fired him a long time ago. He didn't act like this when we got married or when we were dating. He's basically not the man I married or need = no emotional support just poor behavior. I would've never married someone who acts like that. There is something seriously mentally wrong with him because a person doesn't act like that around an ill person. I need an adult who acts with normal adult behavior towards an ill person. What I got was much different. Yeah, people have told him to not be so hard on himself and he's doing such a good job but they don't know the real deal. Heck I didn't know the real deal when I married him. Yesterday, is a prime example. We all know that I am bedridden. I had a catheter change Tuesday and apparently Tuesday night (for the third time) was completely bladder incontinent. This has happened three times now. It started when that nurse did that mistake of continually going in and out the wrong hole when inserting a catheter. I have a new nurse now and she is so much better but I'm getting bladder spasms now. When my bladder spasms, urine goes outside the catheter and leaks out. It's just like I don't have a catheter. So needless to say my bed was wet underneath me all the way down to the extra liners that were on the mattress to protect it. I don't know exactly because Andrew changed it. Instead of exercising bedside manner and at least being neutral at all Andrew freaked out and acted like a spoiled and angry kid again when I'm the one that needed some help in getting changed and cleaned up. I not only had one problem which was sitting in the bed of urine I had a caregiver who is acting unreasonable and even said that he acted very poorly later. Sure. he got me cleaned up but with a horrible attitude. It was such a poor attitude that I felt like I'd rather sit in my own urine than put up with that. I've never heard of a person act like that around and already ill person in need of help. In my book it's a crime. A while back I said to him "if you do that again put a diaper on". It was so funny when he came in the room with that diaper on that I couldn't resist and a picture had to be taken. I'm not into humiliating people but he did it on his own.

and another thing

Chicken shit and cowardly. That’s how I feel about someone who takes an antidepressant to mask the situation and anger instead of fixing it. If anyone should be taking an antidepressant, I have the reasons to. I am smart enough to not take one because I am not depressed. I get over the normal human feelings and move on.To tell me over and overthat you wan to kill yourself you are going to get out of me go ahead 'cause I'm sick of hearing that. It's selfish to say that to a bedridden person.

Alone

It has been more than a year since I have put a post up here.
Since May of 2010 nothing has changed. Actually it has changed; it has worsened.
I went to the cardiologist since I last posted and got the all clear for the procedure again. September 1, I went through it again. At this point I went far and beyond what I had agreed to when all of this started in March. At this time I was going against my gut feeling and trying to make Andrew happy. He had great expectations that this would actually work. I, on the other hand, had no expectations. I went into this with the thought "if this works great. If it doesn't oh well". Andrew then told me how it was negative to have that thought process. Uh no, that was my way of not setting myself up for disappointment. I was going against my gut feeling so what more did he want.
So now I am bedridden and incontinent and completely reliant on on him for everything.
With that said, I am hit with a new problem. Not only am I being emotionally abused but now it is verbal abuse. Andrew has an anger problem so bad that he gets mad/angry at me, the cat, the dog, strawberries and so on. It is irrational anger and he acts out fits like a 10-year-old boy and not a 46 y/o adult. He does this to me. I’m supposed to not push his buttons. Uh. All I do is ask for help from him. He is very selfish and just recently realized that he is not the only person in the world. I could go on and on. I don’t intend to stay married to an angry man. He got his mom to prescribe antidepressants for him. He’s refusing to seek psychiatric help.
In my state I need a husband and a friend who will deal with this calmly and not one who makes me cry and makes it so easy to hate him for treating me bad. What kind of a person does that?
If only I weren’t so trapped, I’d say I have a life to live so call me when you’ve fixed it. People fix their anger problems all the time He’s no different in that area. He chooses not to fix it. It’s only a matter of time and the correct steps. I can’t take this much more. I need to be away from this anger. I love Andrew not his anger, immaturity or selfishness. I fell in love with his mild manneredness; not this. If he continues this route, my last resort is to call out for help then move elsewhere. I need calmness in my life and not what he’s dishing out.
I thought writing this would help me. It’s not. It just makes me feel alone.