Fucks for the day!

And not in a good way. I have a little fight left. Not much. GO FUCK YOURSELF! Fuck off, Fuck you. Grow the Fuck up!

Once a jerk always a jerk. The jerk doesn't fall far from the jerk tree.

I didn't know that I married an insensitive, unempathetic lying jerk. If I would have known then what I know now I would have definitely said NO. If I could divorce him, I would. If I could leave him, I would. He's an idiot. This is what he's done. don't normally do this but because this picture is so good/funny and Andrew approved of the picture being posted anyway I'm doing this. I don't relish airing out dirty laundry. It's been going on for four years. Why? I don't know. My gues s is that Andrew doesn't handle his expectations not going the way he wants them. It's inconceivable to me that an adult human would act like this towards a spouse. What's been happening is Andrew has been overreacting and as I call it acting childish/immature/spoiled and has a huge chip on his shoulder and anything that goes remotely wrong he overreacts and acts in anger towards it around me. Anything sets him off such as a strawberry or a dog bowl. He gets agitated and irrational at the smallest little things. I've asked him to go see a psychiatrist but he's refused over and over. A person could say go get a caregiver to take a week off of his load. Good luck trying to find one. Yes I would love to find a caregiver to take care of me for an entire week. Sure it would cost that's not the issue. The issue is finding one. He basically makes it well known that it's all about him and how horrible his life is. He doesn't know how to exercise empathy. That is a learned skill to someone that doesn't know how to exercise it. I gave him the option of taking care of me or getting someone to do it before my downhill turn and he chose the option to take care of me and again little did I know that I had to explain to him how to emotionally take care of an ill person. It's not just physical. He's never taken care of anyone in his life before me. One important thing is to not make the ill person feel worse which he does. He pitches a fit in stead of acting matter-of-factly. I let him know that it's not okay and he has promised and promised over and over again that he wouldn't do it. Yet he keeps doing it. It makes me cry and feel horrible. It is not normal to do what he does around an ill person. He is able to control himself. He has exhibited that. Most of the time he opts not to and he whines to me about having these feelings. Yeah whatever dude. I have lots of problems but I don't whine about it. He says I do. He has no clue. I scratch my head because he can pull it together enough to not act like that when other people are in this house while putting on the impression that he is Mr. Wonderful. I know differently. I am the only one that gets the privilege of witnessing his poor behavior. I have to think of the positive side. I had a heck of a time finding one. I found a couple. He takes very good care of me physically unless he does something that hurts me and is not a flake in that regard. He is a flake by continuously saying that he's not going to do things to make me feel bad and continuously goes back on his word. He wonders why I call him a liar. At least he's not beating on me physically. He does carelessly injure me because he only thinks about himself. It has gone on so long that I'm now pretty much feeling no love towards him and that he is just here to take care of what I need that's it. I've tried to find love that was there but have been unsuccessful. He tells me to remind him not to have certain attitudes. That's not my job that's his job. I have enough problems. It is emotional abuse in my book. I have not told anyone else about this in detail but after many broken promises and refusals to go see a psychiatrist or to at least learn how to not emotionally damage someone it's about time. It's like he does it and then feels bad about doing it but keeps doing it. Apparently, he doesn't feel bad enough to stop. I've asked him to not do it nicely, not so nicely and every which way I can find. I understand that it's hard for him to have to take care of me but he promised to do it way back when and I'm not talking about wedding vows. I didn't know I had to mention be kind at all times no matter what. I don't have a choice with doing anything other than putting up with it. If I were an employer and he was my employee I would've fired him a long time ago. He didn't act like this when we got married or when we were dating. He's basically not the man I married or need = no emotional support just poor behavior. I would've never married someone who acts like that. There is something seriously mentally wrong with him because a person doesn't act like that around an ill person. I need an adult who acts with normal adult behavior towards an ill person. What I got was much different. Yeah, people have told him to not be so hard on himself and he's doing such a good job but they don't know the real deal. Heck I didn't know the real deal when I married him. Yesterday, is a prime example. We all know that I am bedridden. I had a catheter change Tuesday and apparently Tuesday night (for the third time) was completely bladder incontinent. This has happened three times now. It started when that nurse did that mistake of continually going in and out the wrong hole when inserting a catheter. I have a new nurse now and she is so much better but I'm getting bladder spasms now. When my bladder spasms, urine goes outside the catheter and leaks out. It's just like I don't have a catheter. So needless to say my bed was wet underneath me all the way down to the extra liners that were on the mattress to protect it. I don't know exactly because Andrew changed it. Instead of exercising bedside manner and at least being neutral at all Andrew freaked out and acted like a spoiled and angry kid again when I'm the one that needed some help in getting changed and cleaned up. I not only had one problem which was sitting in the bed of urine I had a caregiver who is acting unreasonable and even said that he acted very poorly later. Sure. he got me cleaned up but with a horrible attitude. It was such a poor attitude that I felt like I'd rather sit in my own urine than put up with that. I've never heard of a person act like that around and already ill person in need of help. In my book it's a crime. A while back I said to him "if you do that again put a diaper on". It was so funny when he came in the room with that diaper on that I couldn't resist and a picture had to be taken. I'm not into humiliating people but he did it on his own.

and another thing

Chicken shit and cowardly. That’s how I feel about someone who takes an antidepressant to mask the situation and anger instead of fixing it. If anyone should be taking an antidepressant, I have the reasons to. I am smart enough to not take one because I am not depressed. I get over the normal human feelings and move on.To tell me over and overthat you wan to kill yourself you are going to get out of me go ahead 'cause I'm sick of hearing that. It's selfish to say that to a bedridden person.

Alone

It has been more than a year since I have put a post up here.
Since May of 2010 nothing has changed. Actually it has changed; it has worsened.
I went to the cardiologist since I last posted and got the all clear for the procedure again. September 1, I went through it again. At this point I went far and beyond what I had agreed to when all of this started in March. At this time I was going against my gut feeling and trying to make Andrew happy. He had great expectations that this would actually work. I, on the other hand, had no expectations. I went into this with the thought "if this works great. If it doesn't oh well". Andrew then told me how it was negative to have that thought process. Uh no, that was my way of not setting myself up for disappointment. I was going against my gut feeling so what more did he want.
So now I am bedridden and incontinent and completely reliant on on him for everything.
With that said, I am hit with a new problem. Not only am I being emotionally abused but now it is verbal abuse. Andrew has an anger problem so bad that he gets mad/angry at me, the cat, the dog, strawberries and so on. It is irrational anger and he acts out fits like a 10-year-old boy and not a 46 y/o adult. He does this to me. I’m supposed to not push his buttons. Uh. All I do is ask for help from him. He is very selfish and just recently realized that he is not the only person in the world. I could go on and on. I don’t intend to stay married to an angry man. He got his mom to prescribe antidepressants for him. He’s refusing to seek psychiatric help.
In my state I need a husband and a friend who will deal with this calmly and not one who makes me cry and makes it so easy to hate him for treating me bad. What kind of a person does that?
If only I weren’t so trapped, I’d say I have a life to live so call me when you’ve fixed it. People fix their anger problems all the time He’s no different in that area. He chooses not to fix it. It’s only a matter of time and the correct steps. I can’t take this much more. I need to be away from this anger. I love Andrew not his anger, immaturity or selfishness. I fell in love with his mild manneredness; not this. If he continues this route, my last resort is to call out for help then move elsewhere. I need calmness in my life and not what he’s dishing out.
I thought writing this would help me. It’s not. It just makes me feel alone.

Enough Already!

I had angioplasty in April where the positive effects lasted 1 week. I went to have angio again, ended up on the operating table, prepped, and sedated when they put an abrupt halt to it citing that I had a heart condition. May 26 I had an appointment scheduled with a cardiologist to get clearance to proceed and get another angio. They (cardiologist's office) not only flaked on us then cost us $60 in transport van costs. They called with the appt. the day before.

Yesterday, Andrew said he was going to kill himself. He says that some times. I feel that is the most selfish thing to say to me. Unless he pulls his head out of his ass and stops getting all upset and pissed off when I end up on the floor or have trouble, I am not going further with anything else and will most likely leave. It does not help me or the situation for him to act up. It just shows immaturity. Until he starts helping me instead of only throwing food at me, I'm not doing anything medically more. I need support here and not a 45 year old child that I have to calm down.

Enough is enough. Anyone knows that a person with MS has to be supported. He does not do that. He says "what do you want me to do that I'm not already doing"? My answer is act like a man in front of me not like a spoiled brat child that has a fit every time things don't go your way. I need my legs exercised not hurt like he did last night. Yeah, he hurt me physically. I do believe he is starting to get physically abusive now too. I'm the sick one that is going through the hell so man up and have some support. Being a man does not mean abusing me. It means acting like a mature adult. I have been telling him to go see a shrink. He refuses. I'm at wits end with everything. Yes, face the facts, Andrew, I could possibly die early and not get fixed, so in the mean time I need help. I do not need to fight. We've been watching movies lately. The reason why I want to watch them is because they are on my laptop and much easier to see than a dust-coated TV screen that I cannot clean and that I don't have the energy to argue with Andrew and that's all we do anymore. He's in a fantasy world about the "liberation" procedure as in I think that he thinks that it will fix me and he can get back to life before all of this. I have a skeptical and reality based take on all this. I have asked him for proof and have yet to see anything. I told him that I would do the procedure for him. And this is how he treats me? I tell you this I would rather not. Not means many things.

I had a friend who was a man and he successfully ran him off so essentially I have no one.

I believe that I am much worse because I ended up on the floor twice this week. 1st time it happened during trying to transfer to the wheel chair from the bed. The second time I slipped off the bed trying to move down the bed to the potty chair. I don't think this CCSVI thing is a good idea for those with severe deterioration just from my experience.

April 16

I took a nap for a couple of hours because I woke up at 5 a.m. this morning. At around 3 p.m. I got myself up in the wheelchair and emptied my potty chair on my own, which I haven't done in about 6 weeks. Don't worry, Andrew has been emptying it. Yick!

After that I wheeled myself into the haulway and put the leg lifts on the wheelchair and proceeded to wheel myself out onto the front deck. I sat in the sun for 45 minutes. I was amazed that I had no adverse reactions to the sun or light. Before I could barely get myself out there and the sun and light bothered the daylights out of me where I counted the minutes until 20 were reached. Today I let my neck get hot and it felt so darn good. Before, I'd freak out if anything got hot.

My legs are kind of mangled from yesterday's fall so I'm going to have to take it easy to let them heal before starting to work. Baby steps as my home health nurse says.

Andrew reported that we have a guinea hen sitting on 10 to 15 eggs in the tall grass in the front yard. So that gives me even more incentive to keep a watch out for them because we want them around. They are great bug eaters and smarter than chickens from what we've witnessed. The nest is 30 feet or so from the front deck. I'm going to try to get Andrew to get a picture.

And Now the Fun Begins

Here we go.

April 15
Shower
Before: Could only use luke-warm water due to heat sensitivity.
After: Took a very hot shower with no heat intolerance.

Transferring from shower chair after shower.
Before: Had a very difficult time getting off of the shower chair and scooting up the bed
After: Transferred with ease.

Feet on the floor
Before: After 30 seconds of my feet being on the floor, the blood would pool causing extreme pain causing me to become hysterical and combative.
After: I can put my feet on the floor and even though there is still blood pooling it is not nearly as painful. from a 4 to 2 1/2 - 3.

Lying flat on the bed and pushing head back against the pillow.
Before: I have not laid on the bed flat for 5 years. I have not been able to push my head against the pillow.
After: I can do both with no vertigo.

Hand strength
Before: My left hand was weak and atrophied.
After: My left hand is no longer stiff and weak.
I can lift my upper body weight off the surface with both arms.

Eyesight
Before: Cloudy and come and go vision to complete blurriness depending on my activity, stress levels or body temperature.
After: All eye prob;ems gone. Vision is not 20/20 perfect (never was)but much better. No come and go.

April 14. Procedure day.
5:15 a.m. Andrew called 911 to help lift me into the power chair from the manual wheelchair. I was already tired from waking up at 3 a.m. and had tried to get into the power chair with no luck. Luckily we have a staffed fire station 3 miles down the road. Four beefy firemen showed up and helped me (lifted me entirely) from one chair to the power chair. Then into the transport van we went and were only 8 minutes late to the hospital.

7:20 a.m. Into the pre-op room we went. A couple of guys lifted me with a patient lift from the wheelchair to the gurney. The hospital gown went on, IV line went in and the drugs started flowing via IV for anxiety. The P.A. did a neuro exam. The other normal exam stuff was done too like blood pressure and temperature.

9 a.m. I was wheeled into the operating room. Prep was don such as shaving and cleaning. I think I fell asleep.

10 a.m. The venogram started. I woke up enough to feel the doctor applying pressure to my groin where the catheter prob shoots the contrast dye into the veins showing the blood going through them while the x-ray machine takes constant pictures. Everything was fine as I dozed on and off until the doctor got up to the jugular vein in the neck and started ballooning. Later he said he ballooned (angioplasty) 3 places in the right side vein because it was very narrowed. There we also collateral veins that were next to the main vein. Those weren't doing much so he didn't touch them. Back to starting the ballooning. I was awake when I felt the balloon inside the vein expanding. That was uncomfortable, so I said "HEY". That was all I had to say because out I went again thanks to the powerful IV drugs. Later I was told that they gave me the max amount of drugs that could be given. So by the time they were finished, I woke up again to see a monitor with a picture of a vein with dye in it. They were done. I was wheeled back to post op.

12 p.m. In post op they watched me wake up. Just a couple of notes. On one occasion of my wake up, I completely didn't know where I was. On another occasion I woke up to the halucination of 3 bikini models standing in the corner of the OR. Must've been the drugs.

3 p.m. Lifted back into the wheelchair and went home.

April 13. The day before the procedure.
I had a Foley catheter installed around 12 p.m. I wanted this done because I didn't feel like peeing myself all the way to the hospital, during the procedure and all the way home. The nurse at the hospital said that they prefer catheterization during procedures anyway. This was the 2nd time this was done in the last two months. That night I thought I had to use the potty chair, so I slid to it (no results) then slid back. When I got settled in, I noticed more pain in the abdomen than usual when catheterized, menstruating, and constipated. I called the home health nurse on call and she said to take it out. She later showed up (@ 8:30 p.m.) and installed another one. That one was fine and to sleep I went.