Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Chicken shit and cowardly. That’s how I feel about someone
who takes an antidepressant to mask the situation and anger instead of fixing
it. If anyone should be taking an antidepressant, I have the reasons to. I am
smart enough to not take one because I am not depressed. I get over the normal
human feelings and move on.To tell me over and overthat you wan to kill
yourself you are going to get out of me go ahead 'cause I'm sick of hearing
that. It's selfish to say that to a bedridden person.
It has been more than a year since I have put a post up
here.
Since May of 2010 nothing has changed. Actually it has changed; it has
worsened.
I went to the cardiologist since I last posted and got the all clear for the
procedure again. September 1, I went through it again. At this point I went far
and beyond what I had agreed to when all of this started in March. At this time
I was going against my gut feeling and trying to make Andrew happy. He had
great expectations that this would actually work. I, on the other hand, had no
expectations. I went into this with the thought "if this works great. If
it doesn't oh well". Andrew then told me how it was negative to have that
thought process. Uh no, that was my way of not setting myself up for
disappointment. I was going against my gut feeling so what more did he want.
So now I am bedridden and incontinent and completely reliant on on him for
everything.
With that said, I am hit with a new problem. Not only am I being emotionally
abused but now it is verbal abuse. Andrew has an anger problem so bad that he
gets mad/angry at me, the cat, the dog, strawberries and so on. It is
irrational anger and he acts out fits like a 10-year-old boy and not a 46 y/o
adult. He does this to me. I’m supposed to not push his buttons. Uh. All I do
is ask for help from him. He is very selfish and just recently realized that he
is not the only person in the world. I could go on and on. I don’t intend to
stay married to an angry man. He got his mom to prescribe antidepressants for
him. He’s refusing to seek psychiatric help.
In my state I need a husband and a friend who will deal with this calmly and
not one who makes me cry and makes it so easy to hate him for treating me bad.
What kind of a person does that?
If only I weren’t so trapped, I’d say I have a life to live so call me when
you’ve fixed it. People fix their anger problems all the time He’s no different
in that area. He chooses not to fix it. It’s only a matter of time and the
correct steps. I can’t take this much more. I need to be away from this anger.
I love Andrew not his anger, immaturity or selfishness. I fell in love with his
mild manneredness; not this. If he continues this route, my last resort is to
call out for help then move elsewhere. I need calmness in my life and not what
he’s dishing out.
I thought writing this would help me. It’s not. It just makes me feel alone.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
I had angioplasty in April where the positive effects lasted
1 week. I went to have angio again, ended up on the operating table, prepped,
and sedated when they put an abrupt halt to it citing that I had a heart
condition. May 26 I had an appointment scheduled with a cardiologist to get
clearance to proceed and get another angio. They (cardiologist's office) not
only flaked on us then cost us $60 in transport van costs. They called with the
appt. the day before.
Yesterday, Andrew said he was going to kill himself. He says that some times. I
feel that is the most selfish thing to say to me. Unless he pulls his head out
of his ass and stops getting all upset and pissed off when I end up on the
floor or have trouble, I am not going further with anything else and will most
likely leave. It does not help me or the situation for him to act up. It just
shows immaturity. Until he starts helping me instead of only throwing food at
me, I'm not doing anything medically more. I need support here and not a 45
year old child that I have to calm down.
Enough is enough. Anyone knows that a person with MS has to be supported. He
does not do that. He says "what do you want me to do that I'm not already
doing"? My answer is act like a man in front of me not like a spoiled brat
child that has a fit every time things don't go your way. I need my legs
exercised not hurt like he did last night. Yeah, he hurt me physically. I do
believe he is starting to get physically abusive now too. I'm the sick one that
is going through the hell so man up and have some support. Being a man does not
mean abusing me. It means acting like a mature adult. I have been telling him
to go see a shrink. He refuses. I'm at wits end with everything. Yes, face the
facts, Andrew, I could possibly die early and not get fixed, so in the mean
time I need help. I do not need to fight. We've been watching movies lately.
The reason why I want to watch them is because they are on my laptop and much
easier to see than a dust-coated TV screen that I cannot clean and that I don't
have the energy to argue with Andrew and that's all we do anymore. He's in a
fantasy world about the "liberation" procedure as in I think that he
thinks that it will fix me and he can get back to life before all of this. I
have a skeptical and reality based take on all this. I have asked him for proof
and have yet to see anything. I told him that I would do the procedure for him.
And this is how he treats me? I tell you this I would rather not. Not means
many things.
I had a friend who was a man and he successfully ran him off so essentially I
have no one.
I believe that I am much worse because I ended up on the floor twice this week.
1st time it happened during trying to transfer to the wheel chair from the bed.
The second time I slipped off the bed trying to move down the bed to the potty
chair. I don't think this CCSVI thing is a good idea for those with severe
deterioration just from my experience.
Friday, April 16, 2010
I took a nap for a couple of hours because I woke up at 5
a.m. this morning. At around 3 p.m. I got myself up in the wheelchair and
emptied my potty chair on my own, which I haven't done in about 6 weeks. Don't
worry, Andrew has been emptying it. Yick!
After that I wheeled myself into the haulway and put the leg lifts on the
wheelchair and proceeded to wheel myself out onto the front deck. I sat in the
sun for 45 minutes. I was amazed that I had no adverse reactions to the sun or
light. Before I could barely get myself out there and the sun and light
bothered the daylights out of me where I counted the minutes until 20 were
reached. Today I let my neck get hot and it felt so darn good. Before, I'd
freak out if anything got hot.
My legs are kind of mangled from yesterday's fall so I'm going to have to take
it easy to let them heal before starting to work. Baby steps as my home health
nurse says.
Andrew reported that we have a guinea hen sitting on 10 to 15 eggs in the tall
grass in the front yard. So that gives me even more incentive to keep a watch
out for them because we want them around. They are great bug eaters and smarter
than chickens from what we've witnessed. The nest is 30 feet or so from the
front deck. I'm going to try to get Andrew to get a picture.
Here we go.
April 15
Shower
Before: Could only use luke-warm water due to heat sensitivity.
After: Took a very hot shower with no heat intolerance.
Transferring from shower chair after shower.
Before: Had a very difficult time getting off of the shower chair and scooting
up the bed
After: Transferred with ease.
Feet on the floor
Before: After 30 seconds of my feet being on the floor, the blood would pool
causing extreme pain causing me to become hysterical and combative.
After: I can put my feet on the floor and even though there is still blood
pooling it is not nearly as painful. from a 4 to 2 1/2 - 3.
Lying flat on the bed and pushing head back against the pillow.
Before: I have not laid on the bed flat for 5 years. I have not been able to
push my head against the pillow.
After: I can do both with no vertigo.
Hand strength
Before: My left hand was weak and atrophied.
After: My left hand is no longer stiff and weak.
I can lift my upper body weight off the surface with both arms.
Eyesight
Before: Cloudy and come and go vision to complete blurriness depending on my
activity, stress levels or body temperature.
After: All eye prob;ems gone. Vision is not 20/20 perfect (never was)but much
better. No come and go.
April 14. Procedure day.
5:15 a.m. Andrew called 911 to help lift me into the power chair from the
manual wheelchair. I was already tired from waking up at 3 a.m. and had tried
to get into the power chair with no luck. Luckily we have a staffed fire
station 3 miles down the road. Four beefy firemen showed up and helped me
(lifted me entirely) from one chair to the power chair. Then into the transport
van we went and were only 8 minutes late to the hospital.
7:20 a.m. Into the pre-op room we went. A couple of guys lifted me with a
patient lift from the wheelchair to the gurney. The hospital gown went on, IV
line went in and the drugs started flowing via IV for anxiety. The P.A. did a
neuro exam. The other normal exam stuff was done too like blood pressure and
temperature.
9 a.m. I was wheeled into the operating room. Prep was don such as shaving and
cleaning. I think I fell asleep.
10 a.m. The venogram started. I woke up enough to feel the doctor applying
pressure to my groin where the catheter prob shoots the contrast dye into the
veins showing the blood going through them while the x-ray machine takes
constant pictures. Everything was fine as I dozed on and off until the doctor
got up to the jugular vein in the neck and started ballooning. Later he said he
ballooned (angioplasty) 3 places in the right side vein because it was very
narrowed. There we also collateral veins that were next to the main vein. Those
weren't doing much so he didn't touch them. Back to starting the ballooning. I
was awake when I felt the balloon inside the vein expanding. That was
uncomfortable, so I said "HEY". That was all I had to say because out
I went again thanks to the powerful IV drugs. Later I was told that they gave
me the max amount of drugs that could be given. So by the time they were
finished, I woke up again to see a monitor with a picture of a vein with dye in
it. They were done. I was wheeled back to post op.
12 p.m. In post op they watched me wake up. Just a couple of notes. On one
occasion of my wake up, I completely didn't know where I was. On another
occasion I woke up to the halucination of 3 bikini models standing in the
corner of the OR. Must've been the drugs.
3 p.m. Lifted back into the wheelchair and went home.
April 13. The day before the procedure.
I had a Foley catheter installed around 12 p.m. I wanted this done because I
didn't feel like peeing myself all the way to the hospital, during the
procedure and all the way home. The nurse at the hospital said that they prefer
catheterization during procedures anyway. This was the 2nd time this was done
in the last two months. That night I thought I had to use the potty chair, so I
slid to it (no results) then slid back. When I got settled in, I noticed more
pain in the abdomen than usual when catheterized, menstruating, and
constipated. I called the home health nurse on call and she said to take it
out. She later showed up (@ 8:30 p.m.) and installed another one. That one was
fine and to sleep I went.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
I was sitting on my bed like I always do while Andrew was
sitting on his side with his laptop. I glanced over there and what did my eyes
behold? A blog. I had no idea he had a blog. So I asked him and got the name of
it. I read it and burst into tears at the end. It was so raw and so real.
Everything said in there was true--from him admitting to being an
"asshole" to me being a mad cow. I wonder if being a shit is better
than being an asshole. I wonder if being a bottom feedin' dirt bag is better
than both. I dunno. All I know is that asshole sums his actions up and mad cow
is actually a nicer way to sum my behavior up.
It was all true. More true than I'd like to admit. More true than moss growing
on the north side of trees. Isn't that where moss grows? It's been a long time
since I've seen any moss on a tree. Anywho, back to the subject at hand. I told
Andrew some nice things last night after "doing it". I don't know if
he still doesn't know how to take a compliment or if he's just too used to me
spitting venom at him. At least I feel like saying something nice.
From reading his blog, it sounds to me like he needs a serious break or
vacation from me, which is well-deserved. I've always suggested a strip club or
party. He declines. If I get better, I'm going to rent a ho. whoops, I mean
strippers (2) for him and make myself invisible.
We have an understanding about cheating. As long as he wants safe and
uncomplicated wife cutchie, I'll be here, but if his hotdog ends up in someone
else's bun, the wife cutchie us off the table and closed permanently. I think
that's fair. I don't mind if he rubbernecks all day and puts his neck out doing
so. Looking and doing somethig about it are two different things. I've had
enough sex in my life to be this way. I hope he stays on board with it.
Nap time.
I am due to go in to get angioplasty of the neck. I guess
the doc is going through the azigous (spell check please) vein anyway, so he'll
be able to see it then. He couldn't see it in the scans and tried with the
Doppler with no luck.
Wish me luck. I won't be knocked out just heavily sedated. Let's hopes this
works.
We are scheduled with a different transport service. Andrew called the one we
used last time and they gave us a big runaround. I guess they really didn't
want our money. Too bad for those idiots. This is about what we want and need.
Too bad. So sad. They can kiss my ass.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
If ya need a feel-good moment.
I recently received an email from another site forum. This
person said it was difficult to read the white text on black. I changed it to a
white background with black text. Only problem with that is I can't read it.
Hubby came home and I told him. He said leave it the way it was and too bad.
So, I changed it back so I can read it. He said that he can read it just fine.
When Andrew came home, it was shower night. Only problem was
that I didn't take a nap right before it. Everything went fine until I tried to
get back on the bed.
I went from the shower chair to the bed and slipped off the bed and onto the
floor. I was there crying for about an hour. Then I finally accepted the O2 and
up on the bed I went. I think I hurt my foot and I know I pulled my knee again.
Ugh. I'm gonna have to get a hoyer lift.
So I got an oxygen condenser from a friend who is an M.D. I
believe my brain has been oxygen starved for who knows how long. I use it and
immediately have better eyesight, less to no pain in the legs, no brain fog,
and stamina to be awake. Who knew? I've been told to use it as much as I want
throughout the day.
Friday, March 19, 2010
This is how the events of the day went per time.
March 17 have bladder catheter installed at 4 p.m.
March 18 2:45 a.m. I wake up. Snooze off and on until 4 a.m.
4 a.m. alarm goes off & Andrew gets up.
5:45 a.m. Get into electric wheelchair and head to the van.
5:47 a.m. Van driver wants me to back up onto the lift. It's dark. I can't see.
I pull in frontwards which means Andrew has to come in the van and put my feet
down so I can turn around and face forwards.
5:49 a.a. Andrew comes into the back of the van and while doing so hits his
head hard on the top of the door. It nocks him over. The van driver was
standing right there and could have told him to watch his head when entering
but didn'. Andrew picks himself up after a few minutes and helps me to put my
feet down. I turn to face the windshield and the feet go back up. Meanwhile I'm
worried about Andrew's head because it left a bump, gash, goose egg and bruise.
I keep asking him if his vision went off. He continues to say he's fine.
6 a.m. The driver tethers my chair in.
6:05 a.m. we are off.
6:10 a.m. While driving down the road it becomes apparent that the driver of
this medivan was not versed on country roads, or curves, or the speed at which
to drive as a whole. It also became apparent later that she wasn't experienced
with wind or driving a disabled person somewhere or off ramps or...need I go
on? This driver needed a lot more training.
6:30 a.m. So at the stop sign to turn right to go into town she takes a sharp
and fast right. This caused the right side of my wheelchair to take flight and
come off of the ground. It landed again as the van straightened out after the
turn and I leaned to the right to set the wheel back down. That should have
never happened for two reasons that doesn't take a genius to figure out... 1.
she should have not turned so sharp or so speedily. 2. She should have tethered
my wheelchair to the floor a lot tighter. Isn't that what those floor ties are
for? If I were anyone else in that wheelchair that probably would have broken
my neck.
7:30 a.m. I puke in the van. Most of it goes down the front. Some of it ends up
on the van. Mmm french fries. We stop on the side of the road, clean me up, and
are on the way again.
7:40 a.m. The fun starts. I don't know what turn off it was but the driver
decides to take it at last minute and ends up hugging the cans between the
highway and the off ramp. I can't believe she didn't get us killed. Then off
the wrong off ramp we go to down town/city. So her navi is confused, she's
driving downtown, and Andrew is beside himself. I piped up and gave directions.
She says "I know". Apparently she doesn't from what she's doing. Oh
and she says this is the second time being in that particular city and has
never been to the particular hospital where we are going. What? No wonder why
the company only pays minimum wage to it's drivers. They suck! So the she finds
her way to the freeway.
8:00 a.m. We arrive at the hospital 15 minutes late.
8:15 a.m. I have barf juice all over my front. Andrew and I go to a dressing
room where I put on two hospital gowns and clean up a little more.
8:20 a.m. Andrew fills out paperwork at the reception desk and then we wait.
8:40 a.m. We are sent to a waiting room (I sit in my elect. chair in the
hall--more air/ventilation there).
8:45 a.m. 3 nice gentlemen come to me with a Hoyer lift. Thank God I won't have
to try to transfer. I had never used one before, so it was a little different
and a bit scary, but they knew what they were doing. They put me on the gurney.
The Ativan that I took earlier was starting to kick in. Lying on my back wasn't
so bad as long as my calves and ankles were elevated which they did.
9:40 a.m. I believe was the actual time I went in the tube. It was uneventful.
I slept on and off.
10:40 a.m. Done with the MRI tube, back on the hoyer lift, and back on the
trusty old wheelchair again. It seems Andrew was still okay. That was a hard
hit he took on the head. How about some warning driver!
11:00 a.m. To the vascular center and beyond--no just the vascular center. They
had our info. We waited a few minutes until someone came out and told us that
both the neuroradiologist durgeon and the leg doctor had a meeting until one,
but she was going to try to locate the neuroradiologist.
11:10 a.m. We were put into a nice and big room and shortly the
neuroradiologist came by to chat with us a bit before his meeting. He explained
what he saw on the MRV and said I had a narrow right side vein with a large
left side vein that had spider veins. He explained why he wanted to do angio
and not stenting. I don't remember if he said he wanted to do both sides at once.
I'll get back to ya on that.
11:20 a.m. so off to the meeting both doctors went. And now we wait until 1
p.m.
During this time, Andrew ate a snack and I wouldn't eat anything because I was
afraid to lose it. A nurse came in and talked about compression hose, but then
gave up.
1:00 p.m. Both docs return. The leg doc tries to close curtains to give me
privacy. The scan starts on the legs. The leg doctor intermittently squeezes
the calves during the sonogram scan. His verdict is that the muscles in my legs
are not making the valves retun the blood. He suggests doing leg exercises and
using a bicycle, which I will do when I feel better. Right now pointing and
retracting the toes is about as good as it gets.
1:15 p.m. The neuroradiologist/surgeon comes in and watches the scans of the
neck. His verdict is narrowing of the right side and spider veins on the left.
1:30 p.m. Neuroradiologist says a rimeframe for procedure, we talk a little
more. At this point I am so tired I can't remember much more.
3:00 p.m. leave for home. It's windy and the driver swerves and ends up in
oncoming traffic. I'm really too tired to notice.
5:00 pm home at last.
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