The Caregiver Who Really Doesn't Care.

So Andrew and I have been married for 6 1/2 years. It has been a long and hard trip for me emotionally. Today was yet another example of the hardship. I had to plug my fingers in my ears and say Lalala just to get him to stop talking and go away.

It all started when the glass guy called to tell me that he lost our paperwork and Andrew had to bring the glass pane into the shop. Andrew, of course, makes it into something it does not have to be and in the process makes me feel terrible. He continues to make me feel terrible almost on a daily basis and he wonders why I say "I hate" him. In fact he tells me not to hate him. So, I guess I am just supposed to take all the negative shit he dishes out and suck it up and treat him like a prince--like accepting that he's negative and that's wonderful. That's not the way it works fucker.

There are many reasons why I say I hate him. The main one is by how he makes me feel. He knows he makes me feel worse thus making the MS worse. I asked him this morning if he feels that people like him because he's a nice guy that people gravitate towards. He said no. I think he is narcissistic in that he thinks because HE feels love toward me that I should automatically feel all kinds of love and appreciation for everything that he DOES. It's really a fucked up relationship.

All I get out of him is the basics and nothing more. Someone else could do the basics too. I need MORE.

in case your reading this, Andrew, here is what I need, which I think you already know, but just don't want to do.

A husband who never argues or ever drags out something so long that I can't take it and makes me feel terrible.

I need a nice guy for a husband and not an immature brat, which you are.

A husband who is actually a nice person. He's not a nice person. He'd rather make sure everyone knows how miserable he is--including me. That's fucked up!

Communication with the foundation of the barn guy.
Don needs to be called and asked if he got a chance to see Don's planes for the 2-stall addition and what are we going to get a bid on and will his barn match what we already own?
How much the 4-stall barn quote is with the gravel included
When can he start because of the muddy ground?

I have to still tell Andrew to do this kind of stuff.

Yesterday, I had to tell him to go outside and pay attention to the tree guys. He would rather hide like a kid.

I'm so tired of this. How much more am I supposed to endure of a caregiver who only does the basics and no more.

Arguing with me only makes me worse. How am I supposed to not hate on a person who makes me worse.

Like I said, when I die, the last words out of my mouth will be "congratulations. You've finally killed someone.

Purple Legs and Feet

This is a result of me taking a shower and my feet having to be on the floor for approximately five minutes.

Stanford on Hold.

So I got a call from Stanford yesterday. I was told that the CCSVI surgery has been put on hold. Some politician got a hold of the situation. So I'm put off until late January or February. I really don't care because the doctor even said on the phone that it probably won't make me any better, but will hopefully keep me from getting worse. With that kind of a statement, I don't hold a lot of faith in the whole thing.

So, I'm letting Andrew go through all the feelings of hope or whatever there is. He's not helping me anyway. He is hoping that the surgery will be an easy fix for him. He thinks he helps me by doing the minimum as in throwing food at me occasionally and rinsing my ass after a shower. There is so much more, but he'd be better off if I was dead anyway 'cause he's really not interested in really helping..

Today I stood up next to my bed once. I tried again later and couldn't do it.

What's Wrong with the American Language?

I've noticed a severe decline in American language usage as in it's becoming incorrect more and more. It's all over T.V., radio, books, magazines, and basically all media. Who hires these dummies? Dummies themselves is the only answer I can find. I'm not even old enough to be thoroughly disgusted by people of my generation, but it seems everyone that wants to say something or write something is doing it. Here's a clue. Just because everyone is doing it doesn't mean it is correct by any means.

Here are some examples.

December 5, 2009 is just that. It is not correct to say or write December 5th. It is correct to say or write December 5. PERIOD. The only time st, nd, rd, or th is added at the end of a date is if it is said or written BEFORE the month as in the 5th of December. Look it up! It's incredibly ignorant, stupid, and uneducated to say or write December 5th, 2009. LOOK IT UP! Even a simple word processing program knows better. Try it. Start typing and it will insert the correct type.

Another one is "till".
This is completely uneducated to spell this word in the wrong context. I've seen local T.V. stations write "this offer is valid till the expiration date". It is 'til or until. DUH! You would only spell "till" if you are going to till a field.

What's wrong with people? Are they getting that dumbed down to where they do what everyone else does? I have one word for them. Dummy! Grow a brain stem!